Late Night Philosophy

I'm back. Did you miss me, God?

Well, for starters, that Panorama thing didn't work out. I got the first issue up. Did anyone read it? I submitted a second issue, but it never got uploaded. Maybe it was because I didn't submit a third before the due date. Then again, there's only been two issues of said e-mag.

Anyhow, I've finally got the nerve up to email the local Tibetan Buddhist meditation center about learning more. Doesn't seem like it's a temple or anything. Just meditation. I don't know why I didn't email them sooner. I suppose I wanted to call someone first. I'm going to go next Tuesday because I'm working tomarrow evening. Damn it all. I hope that they will either be able to teach me something or at least direct me to someone who can.

Maybe it's my nature to find fault in myself or maybe it's because I was alone, but the last two times I tried hard drugs I became close to killing myself. It just seemed that once the extreme happiness-at-nothing feeling wears off, I found life utterly unbearable. I would look in the mirror and be disgusted with myself. I didn't hate myself for doing the drugs either. I hated myself because I remembered everything that I ignored and filtered out in daily consciousness. I just don't understand why this is happening to me now and not the other times.