Personal Journal

Caregiver crap

It's pretty rare that I reach the screaming point in my role, but tonight it's gotten pretty bad. I want to smoke a little weed and listen to music up here and be by myself, but there's no flexibility for that given the uncertainties we face.

I'm strained. It's not Jean, or worrying about her that's got me strained. One of our cats is on death's door tonight, in the kitty ER. And that's got Jean, or it HAD Jean very upset earlier tonight. And it barely phased me, because I have so much shit to do. I hardly feel it; I hope he lives, but he's been up and down in health a lot over the last year, and I recognize his time is coming up. Jean's come to grips with it now, though, and I must say I'm very proud of her.

She said that between Mona (a cat who died of a sudden cancer 18 months ago) and her own cancer, she doesn't want anyone to prolong their illnesses beyond the point of hope. Strange to hear her say that.

And so we say a prayer for little lincoln and hope he does well. So far the news was cautiously optimistic.

I ran my ass ragged today. Work from 6 to 11. I took frozen waffles in and had them at work. Work is one of those places that's quiet, comparitively. I'll have to make sure to get in there. But people need to NOT ask me how I'm doing. I fucking hate that. That instinctively causes me to analyze, and I just don't have wherewithal to analyze this.

Then it was home to get Jean to sign some things so I could register her car. THen the doctor's office for her handicapped access paperwork and Rx's. Then back home to get her to sign the handicapped access paperwork. Then it was Lincoln's emergency trip with Jean crying that her cat is dying...

Then to the DMV where there were 70 people ahead of me (I took a magazine -good fucking idea). Then home, 20 minutes of nap, and then Judge Judy "I'm SPEAKING!"...
Then back to pick up Lincoln and take him to Kitty ER for overnight observation, then an encounter with a vet who's younger than me and thinks he has to talk slowly to me. Pissed me off.
Then Jean to the MRI, grab some fast food, eat, and here I am at 9 p.m. Not going to work tomorrow. I was supposed to be on vacation anyway, and I have more cat stuff to do for Linky, assuming he lives through the night.

What I miss, though, is SILENCE. That's what bothers me about having Jean's mom here. I trained Jean well enough to know that sometimes silence is what I need to recuperate. But Jean's inherent fidgitiness is nothing compared to her mother's. She's 76 and will do any job around the house that needs doing short of shoveling snow, but if she's not busy, she's chatty. And it's old-person chatty. Pointless. Annoying.

So I've retired to the bedroom computers and I'm wishing I had something to do now...