The Never-Ending Ramblings...

No so Random

I woke this morning with jagged thoughts on two or three diff subjects - to write down. Now, they are gone from my head. I so hate when that happens. Lost, forever forgotten, or later retrieved into metamorphosisized ideas barely resembling their origin. Posing, fronting like they are worthy of being called creative. Flaunting teasing making fun of my inability to remember., decipher or reshape.

I probably should just welcome the newly reincarnated ideas. Instead, I balk, underscoring my stupidity. Sometimes, I struggle to find the original core.

This particular idea emerged in late Feb. early March. It’s tiny voice almost inaudible. It’s presentation laughable. “You must be kidding.” I told myself, always filled with self-doubt. However, like a little child, this idea has returned, on several occasions no less. Building strength and intensity, refusing to accept its ‘tossed in the garbage’ status.


At present, it’s right here, brimming under my conscious awareness. I feel its presence. Floating in and out of my soul. Or am I in sweet denial. Not really wanting to find the true idea. Can denial even be sweet? I say yes. Pieces of the puzzle fit. The missing ones lay upside down on the floor for I am too lazy to pick them up. Or more accurately, I am unmotivated to do so. What will the full picture look like? Will I be impressed with its detailed manicure? Will I greet the posing changes as unique attempts to gain precious knowledge, insight, and glimpses into a being so lost its scattered existence needs to be shaken up before it can become whole again. Or, will I become angered, feeling controlled and manipulated?

I already know and see the ugly. Accepted its unpleasantness. But there is beauty there. My heart tells me. For as long as the initial motivation was cultivated out of an intense desire to know and love, not to harm. I am okay with everything.