The Never-Ending Ramblings...

Pecking Away

So, every time I get the urge to say something negative about myself I’m gonna try and type at least one positive thing. Or, as another option, I can write at least one sentence in something I’m working on. Like those two books and one sci fi story. And, just to really open up my alternatives, I can jot down a blog entry.

The goal is to keep typing until the negative feeling subsides, thus finding a constructive approach to combating my destructive thoughts. I really do wonder, how much of this is residual from my one year of severe depression, and which followed my four years of a dysfunctional marriage. Which I am not really allowed to talk about with the one person I should and need to since he prefers to block the whole thing out of his memory. But then, who am I to judge a person’s choice of healing. It’s just my choice is different. So, at what point do I stop sacrificing my own feelings and begin selfishly demanding what I want? How rude is self-preservation? How can I truly be any good to anybody if I don’t have my own self straight?

But then, aren’t there other options for me? So, now, you can plainly see the premise behind my new approach I HAVE to get over this. It’s not enough to acknowledge the four years fucked me up. I can’t keep expecting others to fill the void, pick up my slack, or even understand what I’m going through, the extend of the pain, self-doubt, immobility I’ve found myself in. My continual groping to just survive.

I want more out of my life and I’m lucky enough to be able to have options well within my reach.

So, okay, maybe the negative feelings have not completely gone away, but I feel a tad bit better than when I first hit the keyboard.