The Saga of CUM

Episode 1: The Legendary CUMbath

Dedication

These stories are dedicated to Ishan, who made many hours of my life goodtime, and provided the inspiration for this.

Warning

If you are offended by any of the following, do not read these stories:

Silly Names
General Sex
Prostitution
Nakedness
Self-Gratification
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Paedophilia
Necrophilia
Bestiality
Animated (As in walking and talking) genetalia
Other Animated stuff
Semen
Offensive language
Horror
Low level violence
People coming back to life
Movie Rip-Offs
Stupid Jokes
Black People
Drug Use
Pointless randomness
Racism
Made-up words
Gore
Anything sick, twisted and disgusting


Episode 1: The Legendary CUMbath

When we last saw CUM, he was in the Equatian king’s chambers, looking lustfully at Tiffany Sukmeoff. CUM was bored, he thought ‘I need to have an adventure to get my mind off having my time wasted by that bastard Oggle Boggle’. Long ago, when CUM was a little Brussel Sprout, who only fired blanks, he had heard of the legendary CUMbath. The CUMbath was a secret and mysterious fountain. It is said that the CUMbath can make your cum better! Yes! More of it!! Tastes like chicken! High in protein!!!! So CUM went on his journey to find the CUMbath. But first he needed some companions, two trustworthy brussel sprouts who needed their cum improved, they were called TONSA CUM and BLUEBALLS. TONSA had lots and lots of cum, but his problem was that it tasted like duck. BLUEBALLS had enough cum; his problem was that it couldn’t flow all the way, ever. They went to find the village lunatic, who was the only brussel sprout who claimed he had been to the great CUMbath. The lunatic wouldn’t go with them because he said he had already been, but he gave away some valuable information, his name was Vesicles. Seminal Vesicles. He used to be the village wiseman until he drank too much cum at a party, and got a bit clogged in the brain. Seminal said, “Ah, you seek the legendary CUMbath, but some things aren’t meant to be discovered you know…”
“What do you mean?” asked TONSA, (squirting a little, because he could)
“I mean, do you really need a flavour change?” asked Seminal
“I need a fucking change,” groaned BLUEBALLS, trying to squirt even a little bit, but failing.
BLUEBALLS tried so hard his balls went… blue!
“All right! This is it!” Said BLUEBALLS, “We’re going right now.” With that, the three friends and Seminal Vesicles set off to search for the mystical CUMbath. And then Seminal Vesicles went, “Oh, right,” and remembered he had already been, so he went home. And BLUEBALLS, TONSA and CUM went off to seek the CUMbath, the first obstacle was the forest of the herpes.

As CUM, BLUEBALLS and TONSA were making their way through the forest of the herpes, TONSA was feeling funny. He thought it would be hilarious to cum on CUM’s face. SQUIRT! CUM was dripping with cum. “C’mon guys, be serious here,” said CUM, trying to wipe the globules off his face.

Little did TONSA know, his careless cumming without proper protection had cost him dearly, for the forest of the herpes was not called the forest of the herpes for nothing. Little microscopic beings called Herpes swarmed onto TONSA and entered his penis, feeding off his excess cum. Herpes were nearly invisible, and armed with a painful pitchfork and a bag full of scabies, boils, cold sores and nasty little lumps that make you embarrassed to whip it out. Suddenly, when the trio was nearly out of the forest, TONSA started to choke and fell over, dripping green cum, he said, “Go on without me, I’m dieing.”

Just then Lisa appeared, wearing a sexy nurses uniform. She knelt down beside TONSA and started bathing him. TONSA grew excited (In a slightly dieing kind of way) and cummed all over Lisa. Little did everyone know, TONSA had fallen on a magic lemon, which gave him the power to turn things invisible. So Lisa’s uniform turned invisible. CUM, BLUEBALLS and TONSA all stared at her in wonder. Lisa screamed and ran away from them, but they all followed, even TONSA, who was fully recovered after seeing Lisa’s marvellous naked body. Lisa ran until her legs collapsed beneath her and she fainted from exhaustion. She was unconscious and lying in the nude in the middle of the forest of the herpes. When the trio reached her they were so horny that they couldn’t resist the temptation of fucking her, so they took turns. TONSA went first, and then CUM, it was difficult for CUM to have sex with Lisa, as TONSA’s cum hade made her hole invisible. BLUEBALLS went last (and by this I mean he waggled his penis around a little and looked constipated), and then they all fell asleep in a big pile in the forest. When the trio woke up they realised that they hadn’t used condoms, and since brussel sprout cum is 100% fertile, they knew Lisa was pregnant, but they didn’t know who the father was. When Lisa found out she would be pregnant she was furious that they had taken advantage of her while she was unconscious and naked. CUM, BLUEBALLS and TONSA apologised. Then Lisa said, “I’ll only forgive you if you become my slaves.” So the trio started singing ‘I’m a slave for you’ by Britney Spears.

But then the three brussel sprouts realised they didn’t care who the father was, and also realised that they were incredibly afraid of commitment, but agreed that Lisa could follow them around. TONSA was very excited at seeing Lisa’s luscious body. Unfortunately Lisa was very good at making clothes out of leaves, and soon she disappointed CUM, BLUEBALLS and TONSA by covering her naughty bits completely. Little did Lisa know, but the King of the Herpes’ Leaf Palace was one of the leaves that was covering her woo-hoo plantation.

The Herpe King was having his hourly jerk-off session (As herpe royalty does) when he noticed two perky gelatinous circular things pointing out far above his head. “My God!” he exclaimed, “Are those real?” The Herpe King’s curiosity got the better of him and he climbed up and took a little suckle on one of them, “Mmmm, that’s refreshing!” Lisa started scratching her breasts, “I wonder why I’m so itchy,” she said, “I haven’t used poison ivy to pad my bra in ages.”

TONSA said, “Let’s have sex.”
And Lisa said, “Eww, fuck off.”
And TONSA had to self-gratificate.

Pretty soon they came to the lake of the damned, which they had to cross.
“Why don’t we walk around?” asked Lisa
“Because I say so.” replied BLUEBALLS, who was quite depressed about the state of his vas deferens.
While they were trying to find a way to cross the river, Shan, the token black man in this story, pulled up in his lowrider, “Hey baby,” he said to Lisa “Lets jump in my low-rida and letz rotate dese tires.” To which Lisa said fuck off and revealed her breasts to him, as is the power that black pimps have. “Damn bitch! You supafly! Lemme pull up to that bumper and smack that monkey,” said Shan the black pimp. And Shan rotated his tires away towards the forest of the herpes.

Three brussel sprouts marvelled at Lisa’s high class whoop-whoop island and then stared across the river, where an old man was sitting in a boat that was motoring towards the shore (This old man is not to be confused with other old men). The old man was furiously trying to suck his own penis, but failing. As he approached the group, he stopped trying and the boat stopped right on the bank, he said, “This boat runs on trying but failing, if you want a lift you have to try to do something that’s impossible”
“Why not try and lick your elbow or something else less disgusting,” said CUM, “or get a boat that has a motor, or oars?”
“Because that’s just stupid,” explained the old man.
“And what is your fee?” questioned CUM,
“A slippa-lappa-freed-ding-dong” said the old man
“This is just stupid, even Jedi Penises have a little credibility” said CUM, forgetting to avoid the copy-right restriction.
“No, hold on,” said TONSA, “What’s a slappa-dappa-ding-dong?”
“A slippa-lappa-freed-ding-dong is an enormous penis,” said the old man.
“But where can you get one?” asked TONSA
“Only a black man has a penis large enough,” replied the old man.
“What about that pimp guy?” suggested Lisa, “He must have a gigantic penis.”
“Hold on,” interrupted CUM, “How are we going to pay this man a penis in the first place, and why does he want one? This makes no sense”
“Shut up!” said TONSA, “This is going somewhere.”
So they set off to find the pimpmasta.

But Shan was too far away, so they sat on the ground and waited. Pretty soon Matt the white pimp came along, unfortunately he couldn’t pay the old man because he had a tiny penis, but he had a fast car to compensate for it. After they all hopped in the back and caught up to Shan, Lisa convinced him to go back with them. When Shan got near the boat started roaring and they all jumped in and it started moving towards the other side.
“This makes no sense at all, the old man didn’t get paid anything, and even though no-one is trying but failing, the boat is going, and why did the pimps leave their cars and theirs hoes behind and come with us?” complained CUM.
So everyone explained all of the reasons to CUM. And he was happy. But Matt was getting jealous of how Lisa was always close to Shan, so he sent an underwater goat to kill them. But, as we all know goats love milk, and underwater goats especially enjoy human milk. The goat was very thirsty and he grabbed Shan’s black manbreasts and milked them dry. Shan collapsed exhausted on the deck and Lisa thought that Matt was a sweaty bastard for sending the goat and pushed him onto it. Matt said “Shite,” and rode the goat to the Silicon Mountains, where he planned an ambush.

When the group reached the shore, TONSA slapped the old man because he was having a big bitch about the state of the boat, as TONSA had rooted a big hole in the side. Then all five passengers started going up the twisting paths towards the Silicon Mountains. On the twisting path Shan and Lisa disappeared mysteriously, and so the three brussel sprouts were left walking towards the Silicon Mountains.

Finally CUM, BLUEBALLS and TONSA reached the base of the mighty Silicon Peak, the only thing that stood between them and the legendary CUMbath, but in the Silicon Mountains lived, in chronological order;
1) The Fierce Pointy Nipples of Destruction
2) The Padded Bra of Deception
3) The Largest Silicon Deposit in the World
4) Pamela Anderson


So up the windy path the three went, learning from handy notice boards on the way that The Fierce Pointy Nipples of Destruction (hereafter known as T.F.P.N.o.D) and The Padded Bra of Deception (hereafter known as T.P.B.o.D) guarded The Largest Silicon Deposit in the World, and Pamela Anderson guarded the exit of the Mountains.

But the trio continued up the mountain anyway, about half way up the summit they came across an Asian cat, the cat was wet, and because it was wet, all its fur had shrunk and was very constricting it from being properly cattish. It was a very wet tight Asian pussy.
The three had a very hearty laugh about this and said,
“Ash, what a good joke this is,”
Then they saved the cat and it had a good home and a nice saucer of warm milk every hour to drink and it was really happy. And it only had sex when it wanted to. With other cats. Hot ones, too.

But as they reached the entrance to the largest silicon deposit in the world they saw a chalk circle on the ground. In the middle of the circle stood T.F.P.N.o.D and T.P.B.o.D.
T.P.N.o.D said “I challenge one of you to a fight, if you win, I will cure Lisa of her herpes and you can challenge my brother, T.P.B.o.D, if you win against him, feel free to take as much silicon as you can carry.”
“All right,” said TONSA and he stepped boldly into the ring.
“AAARGH! My eyes!” Screamed TONSA as T.F.P.N.o.D poked his eyes with some of the pointiest nipples known to mankind. “I’m blind!” cried TONSA melodramatically.
Then T.F.P.N.o.D kicked him squarely in the balls. TONSA crumpled in a heap whimpering and BLUEBALLS dragged him out of the ring. BLUEBALLS then bravely leapt in and slapped T.F.P.N.o.D in the knee with his penis then inserted four of his crusted brussel sprout toes over the pointy nipple and squished. T.F.P.N.o.D fell over and crawled out of the ring. T.P.B.o.D jumped in a started smothering BLUEBALLS’ mouth with layers of thick padding.
Luckily, during this time, CUM had been furiously masturbating and finally he was ready, when T.P.B.o.D had it’s back turned CUM slapped his erection up to 50cm (give or take a few centimetres) and let T.P.B.o.D have a blast of hot sweaty sticky manjuice right in the tailbone. The power of this blast knocked T.P.B.o.D clear out of the ring and down the mountain.

CUM looked down at his genitals, they were shrunken to the size of an iguana, about 20 or so centimetres, which is pretty small for a brussel sprout if you think about the penis to sprout ratio they got going on.

The trio then proceeded over to the silicon deposit, CUM and TONSA were limping, crouched forwards, letting their testes hover in refreshing, safe, cool air. They picked up as much silicon as they needed and started walking down the mountain. Pamela Anderson was lying on the ground, her gigantic breasts blocking the gateway, so the three brussel sprouts created a life size statue of Tommy Lee out of silicon and cum (it’s harder than it sounds). Pam struggled to get up and reach the statue, but she was too top heavy, her breast were too powerful to move, from all of the action they got bouncing up and down on Baywatch. So the trio decided to tunnel under Pam and under the gate. They all whipped out their penises and slapped them into spades, common practice among sprouts, of course, and started digging.

But Matt’s subtle ambush was not forgotten, and he had implanted crabs inside the soil before the sprouts even got past T.P.B.o.D. Suddenly, when TONSA’s penis had dug a mound of dirt and dumped it below him, millions of crabs (as in the microscopic sexually transmitted disease that aren’t as good with butter as the name suggests) swarmed upon him and started eating him alive. TONSA started to sweat, “Guys,” he said “If I die, I wanna leave my Hustler™ collection to CUM,” then he coughed. Then fell into a puddle of his own urine, as one of the symptoms of having millions of crabs eating you is to piss yourself.
“Noooo!” Screamed CUM, “I’m not leaving you behind!”
“Go on without me,” requested TONSA
“Never!” CUM shouted, then started masturbating again, he brought up enough cum to have a tiny continual flow, then he closed his fingers over the hole and started shooting off the crabs one by one, after a few thousand, the cum reservoir had emptied, so CUM and BLUEBALLS performed the ‘fusion technique’ and fused together to make the super powerful brussel sprout “BLUECUM.” BLUECUM’s hair was murky white. With his new found powers, BLUECUM came a river of thick blue cum which smothered the crabs and made them die. The three brussel sprouts collapsed exhausted against Pamela Anderson’s boobies.

The next morning they started shovelling again, they eventually reached the other side of the gateway. Unfortunately there was a big rock blocking the path from the gateway. So TONSA and BLUEBALLS fused together and whacked it with the rock hard shaft of TONSABALLS. The rock crumbled and now their only obstruction to the all-powerful CUMbath was the ‘Sweaty Toilets of Despoil’, the evil trap that Matt had set up in case they survived the crab attack. So TONSABALLS and CUM walked past the toilets. And Matt wondered why he didn’t put the toilets on the path in the way of the trio.
As they approached the legendary CUMbath they saw Seminal Vesicles, the wise man from their village.
CUM said, “How the fuck did you get here?”
Seminal Vesicles explained and they all got very pissed at him for going the secret way through the village of the stoners, and not telling them about it, because, in most cases, and though not condoned in any way, getting stoned is more preferable than fighting nipples and digging tunnels with phalli. CUM was so pissed at Seminal that he, BLUEBALLS and TONSA fused together to make TONSABLUECUM. And TONSABLUECUM sat on Seminal and clenched his ‘arse-cheeks of steel’ and crushed. A passer-by made a generic ‘semen + arsehole’ joke that made his friend laugh and scared a few young children. When the three brussel sprouts untransformed, they all felt really bad about killing a fellow brussel sprout and vowed to always use their powers for good. Then TONSA, BLUBALLS and CUM ran and jumped sprout-first into the CUMbath, only to find that it was empty. Seminal had drank all of the cum, he had even drained the cum reservoir attached to the CUMbath. So they went down the road to the village of the stoners and got stoned. Out of their brussel minds.


THE END