My Life on a Plate

Talking Heads

It's strange how some days you open the wardrobe door and despite loads of things hanging in there, you just can't find a thing to wear.

Take this morning. I picked up head number one, which had a slight hangover. It was in self-critical mode telling me I need my roots doing and haven't been to the gym enough lately. I didn't feel like a day of being told I have earache and catarrh because I smoke too much and a thick head because I over-indulged in the wine bottle, so I stuck my tongue out at it and threw it back in the wardrobe.

Head number two was a whining one. Complaining about looking after parents, grumpy hubby, being broke, having no time to play and generally feeling sorry for itself. Well, I can do the whinging quite well enough on my own thank you very much and despite the old adage 'two heads are better than one,' I decided I needed no help in being a grumpy old woman and put it back.

Head number three was in party mood. I reminded it it's already had a holiday, a weekend in London and a birthday outing, but that head is completely out of control. It just wants to party, party, party and laugh its way through the day. Now much as I'm not in disagreement with that, I told it there's no fun in medicals, interviews and hospitals and sent it out with a fiver to go shopping.

Head number four was the fantasy head. It suggested I advertise on the internet for a rich toy boy with a great sense of humour to take me away from all this. It was tempting I can tell you, but the cynical head I was already wearing when I got up said 'Oh yeah? And who's going to look after the wrinklies? Anyway, knowing my luck I'd get dumped after a couple of weeks for some much younger, prettier head and be left stranded and destitute.'

Head number five wore a flat cap and a beard. It hinted I should try being a man for the day and see if things worked out better for me. It didn't sound like a bad idea, but the beard didn't match my dress and I didn't want to have to go in the gents' changing rooms at the swimming pool and be exposed to things my sensitive nature might get distressed about. So I thanked it, gave it a wink and sent it down the pub.

Now, it would go against my nature to take out a sixth head so I'm afraid I've had to wear the same one as yesterday. If anyone has a spare happy head with no responsibilities please send to Scarlett c/o WDC.