Catching Idle Butterflies

Returning to Nineveh

During the moments I wasn't entertaining or being entertained by Dave's family, I sat at Jesus' feet.

Only unlike Mary, I talked more than I listened.

I argued why I can no longer blog. I had three reasons, valid reasons why quitting was the best option.

Whenever I write about my passions and describe how I get from one place in my faith into another, I take the risk of inciting the passions of others, both in agreement and disagreement. It's no different than taking my heart out of my chest in a public square, and placing it on a block of wood, knives all around for ready use to any and all passersby.

As the words pour from my fingers, I have but one thought in mind, to express. When a controversy ensues because of my words, I'm left stunned and wounded. I don't write to be right, but to make a public record of my journey toward a stronger relationship with God.

A person's heart can endure only so many cuts and stabs before it needs to be carried away to some place safe and given time to heal.

I had enough wounds, thank you very much. My heart could take no more.

For a while, to help protect my heart, I weighed my words carefully, yet still not carefully enough. A few times, because of a comment or two, I deleted the entry, or made it private. I had "stepped out of line."

Another reason I needed to quit. What's the point of keeping a journal if I can no longer be honest?

And yet, even with that observation, I felt the need to continue writing, even if I wrote about nothing more profound than how much my dog loves snow. I understood then I was no different than a smoker who continued to smoke, not because she enjoyed it, but because it had become a habit, an addiction even. I allowed blogging to become such an integral part of my day, other priorities kept being pushed aside. How far would I fall if I continued? Was I on a path of destruction? Besides, I concluded, I'm not that special. Though I would be missed, it would be short lived. Life goes on, and someone would soon come along to fill any void.

"So there you have my reasons," I told Jesus. "I'm done." I crossed my arms and waited, even if it was a stubborn, petulant wait; not to receive instruction, but to hear the words, "Okay. You can quit."

For last week's Disciple, we were required to read the book of Jonah. I read all four chapters, but none of it struck me as words I needed to hear. During our meeting last Sunday, I made a comment about how I needed to give up on certain things. Kevin responded with words that dug deep, and the revelation opened up in my psyche.

I was being just like Jonah, not only the part about running away from God's will, but my reason for running. While I am tired of being hurt, I also had a spiteful, even hateful reason for quitting. If you want to know what that is, you'll have to read Jonah, and pay particular attention to why Jonah was so against going to Nineveh. You may need a study Bible to find the answer, because it's not specified in the story itself.

My first reaction at this revelation?

Damn.

My second?

Damn.

And my third reaction: Damn, damn, damn!

It's been a long time since I've been so furious with God. He didn't say those four words I longed for and fully expected. Instead He told me to crawl out of the fish's belly and get my butt to Nineveh.

This time away has given me the much needed rest and proper perspective, though I admit to being still a bit petulant about what I learned.

I despise not getting my way sometimes (okay, most times), though unlike Jonah, I don't want to die because of it. Mopey, whiney, and grumbley, certainly, but no more.

My participation won't be as it was, because blogging should not mean so much to me it takes up so much of my time, mental and emotional energies. I'm no good to you, me, or to God if I'm exhausted, and that was my biggest problem.

Now get your own butt out of here and read the latest addition of "Invalid Item" .

Scarlett put a terrific newsletter together with fun, funny, and informative contributions by welkerdeb, Rebecca Laffar-Smith , Nada , ccstring, and zwisis.

AND!

Congratulations to David McClain for winning Blogger of the Month!