Catching Idle Butterflies

Metaphoric Metaphysical Moments

In reading Budroe 's last three entries in his blog, I'm reminded how even in our most difficult times, there are times of rest and pure joy to be found. Though we may be surrounded by darkness, we sometimes find the forest open up into a meadow where the Sun illuminates every blade of grass. It's important to take advantage of those times, because it gives us strength to step back into the forest and continue on our difficult road.

Sometimes our current outlook on life, be it positive or negative, stems from the inability or unwillingness to make a decision. It's that sense (switching metaphors here. Sorry letgocling ) of floating on a turbulent ocean with no land in sight. Which direction do we choose at that point? Will any direction do, or is one better than another? How can we know?

We are given clues sometimes. Recognizing them can be difficult, because fear blinds us. As my mother says, “We can only live in stark terror for so long. Something has to give, and we either accept our circumstances, or work to change them.”

I talked to Tom last night, and he sounded happier than I’ve heard in a very long time. He’s in Colorado right now to complete a two-week long job. He told me, “I’m ready to come back with the attitude I will get a job. If not, then I’ll stay down here.” He made a decision, and that is what turned him around. As the person adrift on the ocean, choosing a direction and sticking with it alone relieves the fear. That doesn’t mean Tom doesn’t have a long, arduous swim ahead of him, but it’s having a goal that makes the biggest difference and will motivate him to keep swimming.

Dave and I also came to an understanding. It’s been a rough week. We’ve hardly spoken, and I finally had enough of the tip-toeing around each other. Dave, too, was frustrated, so to my surprise, he was willing to talk about it.

In short, Dave was afraid I no longer loved him, and if he took a single drink I would leave him. Though I didn’t say that specifically, after we talked about it, I could see why he would think that.

I can’t stop him from drinking, and it’s quite possible he won’t stop. However, he now understands how much it hurts me when he does. Is it enough? I don’t know. I did assure him I wouldn’t walk out or kick him out if he drinks. I will simply have to suck it up. Truth is, we have a good marriage. He doesn’t get violent or argumentative when he drinks. Does it sound like I’m making excuses? Perhaps, but I also have to weigh my love for him, the importance of our marriage against what he puts in his body. It could be worse, and I think our love and our marriage is worth more than a beer.

I admitted to him how I wished I could drink as much as he and everyone else I know. How I long to disappear sometimes, to forget everything that’s going on in my life, both good and bad. Whenever we go anywhere with others, I’m the only one who abstains. I hate it, because I’m left out while everyone else is having a good time.

I hate drunkenness, and because of that, I get twisty-tied when people get drunk. That’s my problem, not theirs. Will I ever get over it, or at least accept it? I have no idea, but again, I have to choose a direction and stick with it. Do I want to get all angry and frustrated whenever someone around me drinks, or am I better off to shrug it off, and occupy my mind with other things?

I’m all for the latter, because being constantly adrift is no way to live. Life is what it is and cannot be changed no matter how much I wish for or fight against it.