Catching Idle Butterflies

He infuriates me sometimes.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards. ~ Vernon Sanders Law

I had no intention of writing an entry today. I wanted to not only avoid writing.com, but the internet in general. I didn’t want to check my email either – any of them (I have three). Unfortunately, I had to, because I’m expecting a couple of important ones that can’t wait a week or seven.

Yesterday was not a happy day. I’ll not say why because it’s something I’ve gone through before and likely will again and again and again until the day I die. I’m bored of it all, actually, as well as annoyed, and I don’t want to torture you with it as well.

I wish I could say your comments from yesterday’s entry helped, but in truth they only pissed me off. I wanted to scream, “You don’t understand!”

It wasn’t until I read the quote above from my little weekly calendar everything fell into place. I had to laugh.

The reason I reacted so negative to your comments is because you hit the right nerve. I sought to fight it instead of taking to heart the truth of your words. I want to highlight letgocling ’s in particular: Been there! Times of silence are so difficult and yet an opportunity to exercise our faith when He doesn't perform on cue. I often find that I see God at times like a vending machine. I'd like this please, it's great timing for me, and I've put in my change, so shoot it my way please. Yet He desires so much more than our convenient schedules.

I fought that comment the hardest. I thought, I am not treating God like a vending machine! I have asked nothing of him, so there’s absolutely no reason for him to be silent! But that’s a lie and it took me all of two minutes to realize it. I did experience a disappointment yesterday, hence the reason for my extreme frustration. Once again letgocling and the rest of you saw things clearly, and were kind enough to point me in the right direction.

Damn it. I wanted to feel sorry for myself a little while longer.

Note: Please understand, it wasn’t your comments that pissed me off, per se. Even if you had written the exact opposite of what you did, I would have reacted the same. I was intent on fighting God yesterday (and today), and looked for every reason, justified or not, to do so.