My thoughts

05/11/07

I have a lot to say here so this will take some time

I am once again frustrated by my inability to write during the week. I keep promising myself that I will write as much as I can after work but I never do. The same old questions come to my mind:
What is wrong with me?
Am I truly serious about being a writer?
Am I being lazy?
Is my work schedule too great, too difficult to overcome?
There are more but those are the main ones. I think I do know the answer, btw... but more on that later.

Something both awesome and troublesome happened to me this week at work.

I met this girl. Or I didn't meet her as much as I interacted with her. She actually interacted with me. She opened up to me and told me a little something about herself. She smiles at me every time she sees me. Yeah, I know there are friendly women at work who smile at me. But this is different. It is in the way she smiles and the way her eyes look.

Anyway I think this girl likes me, in the girl likes a boy way, in the pseudo-romantic way. I have to admit I like her too. She is cute, sweet, quite attractive. I have known her for a short time but there are good qualities in her.

But my problem is that I do not know what to do. I have had nothing but disastrous relationships whenever I liked a woman up to a harrassment suit which had some merit but was also totally blown out of proportion. So, I am obviouisly reluctant on how to proceed with this girl. Another reason for my reluctance is that I am interested in marriage not just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. No, I am not interested in proposing to this girl but marriage is the ultimate end goal of any romantic relationship I start up.

So how do I proceed? I haven't the slightest idea... but as I say that I realize I do have an idea. More to that later.

Another dillemma, obviously a much lesser one then romance and writing, is that I (as I discussed earler on another blog) get way too much caught up in forum discussions. My heart is one of peace making and moderation but I do not act like that on the forums. I think it is because obvious enemies of peace rail me up, people who only want peace if THEIR way or THEIR party prevails. And so I lash out at them. My dillemma is I need to speak more in patience, peace and love and I do not know how to do that.

The answer to all these dillemmas is really simple. Tough but simple. The answer is I do not know the answer to any of them. Not in my own strength. The truth of the matter is that I am a work in progress. I am God's work. He alone knows the paths I should follow down the trials. He alone can give me the strength I need to go on and do what is right. People have told me that "Christ is a crutch for all those who can't face reality" Well personally I think that anyone who is sane recognizes that life is TOUGH. Writing is TOUGH. Relationships are TOUGH. Politics is TOUGH. These things are NOT for the weak of heart. These things are NOT easily understood or accomplished. We all NEED the help of someone greater than ourselves ultimately we all NEED the help of God. But we also need the touch and love of friends and family. NONE of us can get through life on our own.

I am done. Yes I have rambled. I hope people can get through my ramblings and read what I am saying. I will try to keep up on my progress in these situations

God Bless

:)