Poetic Referendum(s) On Life

ReThinking The Whole Thing

I'm approaching my one year anniversary here. I feel like I've made some great strides with my writing. I blame myself for not achieving the goals I set for myself after becoming a member, because I haven’t figured out how to cultivate this dream and make it a reality. This site was an easy place to stop, drop and put up some works, then sit back and enjoy the interactions like an old sidewalk vendor. And that's pretty much all it has been.

There are many freedoms and benefits to being here. It is easy now that I've learned my way around. But it feels like I'm in this bubble looking out at the rest of the world. There aren't many avenues to explore that will get me to that next step; and knowing what that step should be is difficult. There are few here who could mentor me.

I got another response to my poll about going with Publish America, which I am not; but I leave it up there to keep that interaction, and hopefully, help a few others trying to decide. This was my response to the reviewer of the poll who was very encouraging, like many others have been. Thanks to all who took the poll and commented:

"Thank You for the review and the gift points. I've written off PA since putting up this poll and know now that the traditional publisher is the only way one will know if they've truly made it...otherwise, it would be like imposing myself/my works on the world...and for what?

If I self-publish, it will be to share with family and friends and to hopefully put that book in the hands of someone who can take me to the next plateau (like putting a demo tape in the hands of a music producer/agent).

Thanks for taking time out to reply to the poll. Got me thinking about it again. I needed that.

Brian

P.S. - Do you think this website is the best way to get the word out about my writing via the internet? I would like a bigger stage. Be nice to find myself on that avenue where some publishers might drive by to look in the window once in awhile, keeping the hope of the dream alive."


I don't want to appear ungrateful for the opportunities I've had here. I tend to say the wrong things and feel like I’m under a microscope with this Preferred Author business. People ask me why I am not 'yellow' yet. Maybe, because I opine so candidly. I'm tactful, for the most part, calling out authority more often than I probably should. They make that out to mean I'm not a 'team player.' I just stand up for what I believe, and I don't do it to be selfish. But they might use propaganda to turn the tables against me to make it appear that I am bad medicine for this site. But, I can only assume.

I don't care about the yellow badge anymore...now that I know it is tainted. It's not the right fit for me. It doesn't mean that others who are preferred or higher are bad. It just means they are a better suited for this site than I am. Please don't misjudge me. And if you read this and are offended, please email me. It is not my will to hurt others. I have nothing to gain by doing that. To know me like the people in my life know me would be an eye opener. I have been shy but very loving and loyal since I was a child. I get angry very rarely, but when I do...it's not a pretty thing. It's just the way I'm wired to deal with my emotions. I say things, but I forgive and forget quicker than most. I don't hold grudges. Some still manage to test my patience to be antagonistic for whatever reasons. Times like those, I hope I remember to consult with God before I react.

Many people make great efforts to accommodate and make this place fun, make it easy to be here. But I need to struggle to get out of this comfort zone before it sucks me in. I am still here because I'm already settled in with my posted works. Do I want, or have, another 11 months to establish myself elsewhere, only to find the same or comparable shortcomings? I'm here simply because I just want to work on my craft and get published.

I will use this blog to further state myself and my purpose for being here in the months to come. Hopefully, I can educate those with whom I've crossed paths so that we can have a better understanding. I'm cool with a lot of people here, nearly everyone that I meet. The people who have been against me (for lack of a better description) know who they are. I don't trouble to change their persuasion. I can't bother to understand why I have clashed with some...they know the reasons better than I...I'm certain. I feel sorry for them...I borrow that line from my Mom. She never hated anyone, reserving that thought for those who didn't want to get along.

But, I don't review anymore, unless I want to. I don't enter contests anymore, most are not tailored to my needs and would be a waste of time. I would like to see more contests tailored toward rewarding people for just working on their goals. I don't think this is the best place to get advice or direction. I don't say that to hurt anyone's feelings, again, just being honest. TO ME, this website is more about community, having fun and experimenting with a few things. I've been through college courses, earned my degree, worked in the professional field in various forms of media. I'm here because I have a place to post my work, manipulate it, see where I should go from here.

I've been most pleased to have formed some friendships with some really great people. The encouragement, yes, that is what is very special about this site. But, to have someone one day say they have your back and the next stab you there is not a good feeling, especially from one who acts the part of angel. So, having met with the phoniness that exists, it sobers you up...it woke me up.

I didn't fall into that self-publishing trap, throwing my money around before developing the notion of where I want to go with my writing career. I take my writing a little more seriously than that. I've been duped before, know when I'm being duped. Those who dupe will eventually be exposed, and not what I am here for. But, if a young writer is preyed upon by another playing the confidence scam, is it not my duty to warn others? if I think someone plays with fragile egos like a violin, steering them toward publishers for their own ill-gotten gain?

Okay, that's more than I wanted to say...again. I tried to edit this jounal entry several times. I'll just take my lumps again for speaking my mind. Continue the cold shoulder, if you must. I only wish I could put a mirror at the end of this page to give the deceivers a good look at themselves, in hopes that it will get them to rethink their ways.


Glaedr