Amygdalia's Blog

Having a really rough evening

I never do this - I got up out of bed to write, because I can't sleep, I'm feeling miserable, and I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I'm really not even sure exactly what set me off, today, but I've felt like I was on the verge of tears for most of the day. 

I am overwhelmed . . . trying to get the house in shape, not knowing where to put everything, not having everything I need (storage shelves . . . DRYER!!!)  . . . plus getting ready for Sarah's Bat Mitzvah, trying to make sure I've taken care of all the details.  I need to take her to have her dress altered ASAP.  I need to call the dj, because she doesn't even know we've moved!  I need to get the centerpieces and favors in order, I need to put together a seating chart once I have a final list . . . I need shoes, Jakie needs shoes . . . Sarah needs to make a display about her project.

I was supposed to go to a memorial service on Saturday, for my childhood best friend's mother.  I really really wanted to be there.  But on Thursday afternoon I started having some tummy trouble.  I thought it was just eh, one of those things that would pass quickly.  But on Friday it was even worse.  I thought maybe I was reacting to some dairy, so I went and got some Lactaid.  But it didn't do a thing.  I had a lot of tummy gurgling, cramping, and tenderness.  I started worrying that I was having a recurrence of c diff.  It's a bacterial infection of the gut, basically when all the good bacteria are killed by an antibiotic the c diff can take over . . . I first had it last March . . . and had to cancel a trip to Spain as a result.  I still get really upset when I think about that.  It's really difficult to get rid of, since it produces spores that can stay around for 2 years.  Medication doesn't get rid of them.  It's recurred twice, since then.  I'm terrified to take antibiotics.  I haven't been to the dentist since last March (a trip to the dentist was what started the whole thing . . . I need to take antibiotics before dental treatment) because I'm so scared of taking the antibiotics.  I haven't been on antibiotics recently, but the first time it recurred I hadn't been, either.  I don't know whether it's recurring now, but I'm so worried that it is.  I haven't had the major symptom (not going into detail in the blog - bleah) but the gurgling, cramping and tenderness were all symptoms that I had with it.  So right now I'm feeling like . . . I'm never going to get rid of this!  I don't want to get sick again!  I have so much going on.  If I have to go on medication, it'll likely be for at least a month.  The medication is horrible.  I have to wrap it in fruit roll ups just to be able to tolerate it.  And I can't have ANY alcohol whatsoever while I'm on it, because it could make me very ill.  I'm not planning on getting smashed at Sarah's Bat Mitzvah . . . but it would be nice to be able to celebrate with a glass of wine!  That's minor though.  I just started sobbing earlier, when I was thinking about it . . . I feel like I'll never get rid of it. 

I'm not looking forward to my birthday on Tuesday, and I don't know why.  But I definitely don't want to be sick on my birthday! 

I have less than a week to finish book 5, and read book 6, the last Harry Potter book comes out.  I'm not making much progress.  Tonight I started thinking . . . maybe I don't want to read it?  How ridiculous it that?  But I think part of my anxiety right now is worrying about what's coming in book 7.  Will I be able to handle it?? 

I'm judging my first contest, right now, and I'm worried about doing a good job.  And I'm worried about making good on my commitment, when I have all that other stuff to deal with. 

I very very stupidly got upset when Bob announced he was going out for ice cream, this evening.  I suddenly got my "I'm stuck at home while he gets to go out for lunch whenever he wants, and now he's traipsing off for ice cream and leaving me at home" feeling.  And of course that got me thinking about the fact that he has another trip to England coming up in August, and I'm so not looking forward to that.  That brings up similar feeling to the ones expressed above, only moreso.  I'm stuck at home while he's off in England . . . yes, I know he's working, but that's part of it, too.  I have no opportunity to do something like that, in my line of work (haha) . . . I'm just stuck at home.  Feeling trapped, and scared to death of trying to go out there into the workforce.  And above all . . . the thing I want to do more than anything else is to travel.  Damn . . . just made myself start crying.  And I'm stuck here at home while he's in England.  And, as I mentioned above, I still get really upset when I think about my trip to Spain that never happened . . . I want to go with him.  I want to go somewhere.  I want to not be the one stuck at home with the kids.  I want to be able to COPE when life throws me a curveball, damnit! 

I want to sleep, and I have no idea whether I'll be able to settle myself down enough, right now.