Down the Rabbit Hole

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I'm having serious trouble focusing, at a time when I so desparately need to. Treading water, that's what its felt like lately, that no matter how I fight to move forward, the tide is drawing me backwards. This morning, my feet lost connection with the sandy bottom and I was drawn ever future out into the open sea. I wish I knew what was so wrong with me, why security and happiness seem to elude me at the times when I should feel those emotions most profoundly. I came into work this morning, still fighting back tears, still trying to catch myself. I'd forgotten all about my 9am meeting with one of our ad reps, and he was there waiting, my father giving him a very limited and aggravated audience. I sat across from him in the conference room, fighting to compete with his too-perfect suit and bright blue eyes, all the while hoping I didn't look as wornout and shattered as I felt. He prattled on about web hosting fees and I sat there just nodding, preoccupied with thoughts about bills, about stresses at home, my baby brother, my overflowing inbox and my insanely powerful desire to get in my car and drive off up the coast. As if sensing my lack of involvement, my rep made a credible excuse about needing to make his next appointment, and left me alone. Its been nearly forty minutes and I still haven't found the way back. I'd been staring at my computer screen before finally forcing myself to write, at least my fingers were moving.
In truth, I have only been motivated to work because I have too. I've not been motivated to do much of anything else. I've felt vague and disconnected. I feel like I get up, go to work and that everything else just sort of happens to me, my participation doesn't even feel particularily voluntary most of the time. Like I'm in a fog and the only thing I do with any clarity, is worry.