My True Soul

Estoy muy cansada... es tiempo para dormirse.

I'm in the lobby of Manda's building (yes, she owns her own building! No, just playing) I decided it's been a while since I updated and I have a lot of thoughts running through my head that I want to get our because they'll probably be likely to help me later on if I should happen to forget this information.

As corny and cliché as this may sound, I feel like I'd lost a part of myself, at some point. I've been slowing gaining her back, she never really was lost, she just got pushed under the couch for a while.

I believe my counselor finally noticed how in my head I can be. How much I think about things. I've got to let some of it go, for my own well-being. It's much like my spanish course... the more I concentrate on what she's saying, the more confused I get, the more I try to pick out every word... figure out what every word means, figure out what verb tense, etc., I've lost the original meaning of the entire lecture. It's a lot more enjoyable and I get a lot more out of it when I just sit back and listen.

He asked how I felt things were going and I told him that it felt like he was helping me remember and emphasize certain things. That he'll remind me and say things that I've thought of or that someone else has said to me. I try to take those things and use them. I don't feel like it's him helping me. I feel like he's being a guiding hand for my own thought processes.

Today, I realized how many things I've done or made my mind up on that have had nothing to do with my parents. That they haven't changed. That they can't change. I'd forgotten exactly how stubborn/strong I can be.
In essence... I've already known the key way to be with them. It's to realize that whatever reaction they're going to have to me is going to be just that, their reaction. I do like myself, who I am, for the most part. I wish I could control my frustration/aggravation/stress a little better... but I am trying. But, that's a whole other ball of wax. What I mean is I've always known that with my sexuality, that's who I am, I can't change it, one day I will tell them and after that, it is up to them how they want to react. I cannot control it. I knew that. But it goes beyond just that 1 example. It moves onto how I am, who I am.

The desire to make everyone happy, which is something I try to do often, is something that is not always advisible.
He said he felt like we were stuck on 1 issue.... we are... that's how my life has felt. But... must get over it. Yes. Working on it, really am.

It'll come about slowly, I'll make sure of it. I am stubborn, I do realize it'll take time, and I don't want to give up.

I think though at some point this semester, it's going to become rather pointless to go back... I'm looking forward to it. It'll mean that I feel like I can better handle this stuff by myself. I knew I needed some help getting things back to a point where I could take control.
However, he mentioned a support group for GLBT, which sounds interesting. It'd be nice to maybe be around some people who had some of the same issues and it not be spectrum.

I feel better about a lot of things, honestly. There's only 1 more issue which I'm dreading bringing up but feel that I'll need to and that it'll be ok. I just want some more time to consider what all I should say and what needs to be said and how I can do it without sounding quite as annoyed about it as I am. This issue involves a friend, whom I very much like and enjoy his company. However, the last time he was here, he obssessed about this girl he was going to meet and was a pure grouch for about half, if not over half, of his visit, because she didn't meet him. It was sucky of her to do him like she did, but it was also annoying for him to treat us the way he did because of her.
So now, he's been asking about coming down again. He probably wasn't going to be able to since he was supposed to be in school too, but... those plans got cancelled. Now he's thinking he can come, which is great, and I understand not thinking he could until just recently due to the school thing being so short noticed. But he only really started to mention it once this girl mentioned meeting him again (even tho she's stood him up several times now).


I'm kinda torn. I'd like for him to come down. But it feels somewhat like he's only really wanting to come down so he can have a place to stay while he meets her. And then, what happens if she stands him up again?

Ergh it’s just confusing and not sure how to handle it yet.

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September 27th, 2007

Ok… Manda got out of class and we left the other day before I got a chance to finish this. So I’m gonna pick up from there and hope that it isn’t too disjointed.

I feel kinda weird tonight.
It's odd, I should go to bed, but I just feel like staying up for a little bit.

My dad's birthday is this weekend. So is my godson's, DeAndre, he'll be 2. (Hard to believe) I got my dad an RC Airplane... it's a cheap one but I thought it'd be good for him to practice with, it looks kinda easy to land, and well, if he breaks it, it's not such a big deal.

Mi profesora de español es loca. Nos quiere escribir 40 frases en 50 minutos. Adicionalmente, nos quiere hacer un sección con por y para y dar razónes para nuestros respuestas. No pienso que puedo hacerlo. Me preocupo con este examen.

Blah... I had more to say, once upon a time.... I felt like writing the other day. Today, not so much.
In other news, I guess this would be important. Someone tried to steal my car/something in my car yesterday evening. The alarm scared them off, but the lock is semi-f***ed up. No real harm. I still have my car. I still have everything that was in it.

It was suggested that I go to Wal-mart and ask them to review the tapes then. That's a possibility.