The Undiscovered Country

High Anxiety

If Thomas decides the 'official' due date is the day he wants to make his grand appearance, he will be here in a mere 7 weeks.

7 weeks! That's not much time at all. How fast the time flew.

As the day looms closer, the more anxious and eager I get. It's confusing to say the least.

Right now, however, I want to travel down memory lane a short ways.

When Dave and I started down this journey, I wondered many things, some on the physical level, others on the philosophical level.

For instance, how will the pregnancy go overall? How much trouble, if any, would I have? Will I make a good parent? Just how challenging will this child be? Will he (or she) sleep through the first two years like I did, or be a little terror with colic or just plain super-activity?

Will I fall in love with this child from day one, or will I resent him (or her) for making me and Dave change our lives in drastic ways I can only imagine at this point? Will the child be healthy, or have physical or mental challenges that will make all our lives all the more difficult?

All but one of the questions I still don't know the answers to. Up until now, I quit asking.

I never did relay to you how I told Dave about the baby!

I suspected I was pregnant for a week before I mustered the courage to buy an E.P.T test. I waited that long for two reasons. One, I didn't want to spend the money on a test only to find out the next day I should have waited. The other was our 15th wedding anniversary was coming up (May 15). I figured if I was right, what a great anniversary gift it would be.

A bit of an aside, the day of our anniversary, the concrete on our new garage was poured. When it was still wet, Dave carved a heart with our names in it in the corner by one of the garage doors – his gift to me. Wasn't that sweet?

As soon as I came home, I took one of the tests. It was a very positive positive. I figured I would be super-excited at that point, but – maybe it was more of a shock, I don't know – but I really wasn't. I guess I saw it more as validation for what I already knew.

Now came the time to tell Dave.

But I couldn't.

Dave's cousin had come over to see the garage, and Dave invited him to stay for supper. I wasn't about to reveal my good news to anyone but Dave, mostly because we decided a long time ago not to tell anyone until after the third month.

So I had to wait. And wait. And wait. It was a very long three hours, let me tell ya!

Finally, Kyle received a phone call, and he stepped outside to talk.

I took Dave to the living room and said, “I want to give you your anniversary present.”

“Okay.”

I then pulled out the pregnancy test from my desk drawer and handed it to him (Yes, I washed it off first!!).

He saw the little “+” sign, looked up at me with a superb grin and said, “Really?”

Right then Kyle came back in, so he gave me a quick kiss and we acted like nothing was up.

Dave seemed less excited about the news than I did. I asked him later and he said, “I had a feeling you were anyway, since you were late.”

I didn't realize until then he kept track.

The first trimester, I worried a lot. I worried about the baby and whether or not it would survive. I had a few scares in the meantime with some bleeding – which turned out to be nothing, and quite common, and terrible gas cramps from eating asparagus one night (never did that again!). Morning sickness was more of a constant annoyance than anything. It's funny. I listened to a few of my CDs during that time, because it helped, but now I can't. Listening to them reminds me of it, and again makes me nauseated.
Even the fan on my home computer reminds me of it, which is one reason I've stayed off it. Weird, huh? I'm sure that will pass soon enough.

Second trimester was uneventful overall. I felt great, and no scares. Plus, I started feeling the baby move around. Only seeing him move on the ultrasound gave me more joy and filled me with wonder.

This the final trimester is fairly easy. As the days pass and my belly grows, it's harder to get comfortable. I've also had a few dizziness spells to the point I had to sit or lay down lest I pass out. Interesting sensation, that. Yawning or taking deep breaths is a challenge. I'm now wearing shoes I don't have to tie. I still can tie my shoes, but it's uncomfortable. My pelvis is also expanding, and a few times a day on average it's downright painful. I don't complain about that much, because my body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. Besides, I know that pain is nothing compared to what I'll be enduring when Thomas decides it's time.

I don't tire of Thomas moving around – except when he has the hiccups. I didn't realize that rhythmic flicking resonating in my belly was him hiccuping until I read about it in one of my pregnancy books. Of all the sensations, that's the most annoying.

When he's particularly active I can watch my belly roll and jerk. Very cool! He's also strong enough now, a few nights ago as I snuggled up to Dave's back, he kicked so hard it woke Dave up. That's a strong kick, because Dave is a hard sleeper.

My dreams have become more vivid of late as well, which I've read is also quite normal. It's a combination of hormones as well as the typical anxiety and eagerness that comes with the approaching birth date.

Some have been fun while others have been downright terrifying.

I'm also re-asking the questions I asked at the beginning: What makes me think I'm qualified to even be a parent? Will he be healthy? Will I make such huge mistakes I end up harming the little guy?

Scary stuff.

Then again, what parent knows what he or she is doing from day one, especially for a first child? It's a process of learning all around. Being scared is a good thing, I think, because I'll be paying closer attention to the baby's needs. At least that's my hope.

Besides, this baby is an answer to a three year old prayer. If God didn't think Dave and I were capable, he wouldn't have given us Thomas.