Learning to love

Broken records

It's been so long since my fingers found refuge for my soul

here.

I've missed the space

as each ounce of pain seems to come with a thousand words

and with that many words there will be no silence; no reprieve.

Just broken records.



The old familiar "love song" is playing on my mind's radio...

each verse is from a beautiful dream

a romance worth of a best seller

hot, enticing and proof that there really is a "one" in the "meant to be".



And the chorus repeats

"But here we are again,

making dreams that start with "we"

waiting for you to act
and spending an eternity relying upon just me."



In this space I have left a trail of my deep soul encounters.

And I see now that I could move the names around interchangeably

and still be in love with the same person...

many experiences later.

It is not him, or us that I have ever loved, I guess.

I think it is the fantasy that someday he,

will love me

and that will be enough.



So maybe this space can remove the pressure from these poor saps...

who think they've found something in me,

like a butterfly that catches fire when you capture it,

burning us both.

Maybe this will give me permission to let the "him" of today

off the hook of "us"

because it looks as if "he" is always there...

and never quite here,
with an ex in-tow and an album of talent

babies to feed and a problem with commitment.

And I convince myself that I have what it takes,

to settle "Mr. Can't-Choose"

with my mommy skills

and a few sexy tattoos.

But it's not that easy, little girl.

Because somewhere in the mess of sacrificing my own heart

with the knife of "pick-me this time, please?"

I throw my wallet, my own kids and my sanity

on to the table to be played

Like a broken record,

until he's done listening

or I'm done dancing.


And I wonder how long this sad song will last...

until I give up on the music of life

or change my tune.

Which ever comes first.






Creativity is the willingness to express emotion and the ability to explore it without perfection.