Despertar

do they care

I sure don't. Care, that is. That this entry is completely unrelated to the Leader it's supposed to follow, that is.

I think Justin and I just broke up, at least to whatever extent two people can break up when they were never really together. It turned into an all-night conversation about how sorry he is that he's not mature enough to be ready for a relationship now, and how he wishes he could ask me to wait but he already feels bad about how uneven things have been between us anyway and blah blah blah. He did a lot of scrunching up his face and rubbing at his eyes, which may have been bullshit. He said he doesn't like having as much power as I had given him. Some female friend of his had alerted him that he was being a jerk when he told her how he acted on birthday compared to how I acted on his. That was what made him decide he had to fish or cut bait, and because he hasn't had the revelation he thought he would, that he's ready to actually be with me, that his feelings are serious, he decided the only fair thing to do would be to cut bait.

So, okay. Here we are again. Our joint birthday party is tonight. I am, of course, not going, which I told him, and which made him, for some reason, really sad. I told him there's no way I'm going to be able to lightheartedly hostess a big thing after something like this, and that I don't want to meet his friends or be around mine, and I don't plan on making a big thing about it, but I can't, I can't, I can't go. He tried to talk me into it, he even made a few bad jokes about how I should come and look amazing and get drunk and make him jealous, and I don't understand why guys always want to do that, always want to joke about things instead of just dealing with the reality that nothing is funny when you've been fucked over again.

We talked about a number of plans as to how we're going to approach our interactions from now on. I saw five possibilities:

Under The Justin Plan, so named because it most nearly mirrored his professed ideal, we would continue to casually have sex, I would train myselt not to expect anything and on it would go until he eventually tired of me. We nixed that one for reasons of decency, or something.

Under The Cold Turkey Plan, we would stop being friends, or anythings, and I would avoid him in the halls until my feelings had died down enough so that I didn't care what he did, anymore. He called that plan "absurd," and reminded me that he has feelings for me, too, and that he doesn't have the same certainty that time would "fix" them. (Bullshit, who cares.)

Under The Friends Plan, we would return to some semblance of platonic friendship, or try to, with the understanding that I don't trust him in the same way anymore, and that we won't ever be able to talk comfortably about our love lives or how we feel about real things, because he's already played his card. Eventually, there's a chance we could go back to casually hooking up, but only after we were firmly cemented as platonic, again.

Under The Stupid Plan, which is pretty much synonymous with The Justin Plan, we would basically be fuck buddies, and he would still not be required to consider my feelings about anything, ever. Actually, I have no idea how I originally saw that as distinct from The Justin Plan.

Under The Shannon Plan, we would return to where we were maybe four months ago, before we were sleeping together, but after we had acknowledged that there were maybe feelings between us, and definitely some level of chemistry. We wouldn't have sex. At some point, he would make up his mind, definitively, and we could go from there.

"We" chose The Friends Plan. I don't think it's going to work.

*

I'm talking too much. What I meant to say was, Justin and I "broke up," and I'm sick of the world, of men, of law school, of good things actually being bad and nothing being really that great.