Talking to my lost one

Talking to my lost one

My feet feel heavy. As my whole body does. There are only a few steps left. I feel the waves of air of the passing cars pushing me backwards, as I make my way to the middle of the bridge.

The view is incredible. I don't know if I have ever seen anything so beautiful. But it all means nothing. Without you. My hands rest on the balustrade as I lean over just far enough to see the street under it.

It's high. So very high. I'm scared. You were always the one who was dreaming of climbing the highest mountains or standing on the highest buildings. Me? I was never one for heights. Do you remember that trip we made to New York, just two years ago? You had begged and begged that we would go up onto the Empire State building. I had wanted to refuse. I really had wanted to. But with your green eyes lowered so sweetly at me and that cute pout thrown my way, what was I to do?

You always knew how to get anything you wanted out of me. Never was I able to resist you for long. And you knew that very well.

So, I had agreed and up we had went. Even now, I'm able to remember how fast my heart had been beating when we entered the lift to take us to the roof. You had just been grinning, happy about your victory. Don't worry though. No matter how scared I had been, I hadn't been angry with you for putting me through this. Your eyes had been shining with excitement. That alone had made up to it. Until the lift doors had opened and the cool breeze had hit me right into the face. I had stiffened and my whole body had been screaming at me to run. As soon as we had reached the roof you had jumped out the lift. Then, when you had realised that I wasn't following you, you had turned around. A sweet, comforting smile had suddenly appeared on your face. Your gentle hands had reached out to me, inviting me to follow you.
“Come on. I'm here. Nothing will happen to you.”
'Yeah sure!' My head had answered, but my mouth hadn't moved. I had been paralyzed to the spot. Until you had spoken again.
“Don't you trust me?”

Of course I did. I always trusted you. From the day we met, I trusted you with my life.

That's why I finally had taken the step. Out of the lift and onto the roof. Not before reaching for your right hand with both of mine. Clinging to your hand and arm like a maniac you had led me further out onto the top platform. I had wanted to cry. One look at you, had led my tears dry away before they could splash my face.
You had smiled at me. So sweetly. So proud that I was fighting my feares for you. It was only for you. As everything always had been.
Then you had been nodding your head to the side, forcing me to look away from you. I had been greeted with the most amazing view. The whole city of New York being at our feet. Never again will I forget that. Without you I would have never been able to experience something like that. Thank you, my love.

Isn't it crazy to think where I am standing now. Especially knowing how I feel about heights. It is crazy, indeed. Yet, I don't feel anything. Shouldn't my heart be pounding so hard that my chest threatens to explode. Like it used to. My legs, shouldn't they be trembling with fear. My head, shouldn't it blur my sight, making me want to close my eyes.

Nothing. Not one feeling. It's all gone. Along with you. I'm empty. You filled me with life. Now, I'm nothing but an empty shell. Not even fear tries to conquer my body.

It has been like that since you've left me. Blackness has been my companion since that day. Shouldn't you be there instead? Coulering my life with your joy and happiness. With your unbelievable beauty.
But you're not here. You're gone. Along with everything that made me.

My eyes lift from the street beneath me. They travel into the distance. This bridge is close to the city. Yet, the are trees and green hills all around me. Wide golden fields melt into the horizon. How much you would have loved to see that!
We've crossed this bridge. Together. In your car. On days like this, with no cloud in the sky and the view seeming endless, you were so full of awe. Seeing the beauty of nature around us. It used to warm my heart to see you like that. How small things like this could make you happy. You made me happy.

This bridge. They call it the “Suicider's bridge”. We've talked about it, you and me. When crossing it. You always said, how you didn't understand how people could throw their lifes away just like that. When life has to offer so much to look forward to. I aggreed with you. I couldn't see it myself. We had been too happy. Too many wonderful things going on in our lifes. In our live. You and me, we were one.Two bodies. One heart. One soul. Completed.

I understand now. Why people do it. Why they jump. When there's nothing else to live for, why not do it? When all feelings have abandonned you. When you're alone.

As I lift my foot off the ground the cold metal of the balustrade pushes against my leg. I'm wearing the white trousers that are made of such thin fabric, it feels like nothing on my skin. You know which ones I mean. The ones you've bought me just some weeks ago. You had wiggled your brows at me with that cheeky grin around your lips when I had tried them on in the shop. I didn't need to consider buying them for long. One look at you and it was clear to me that those trousers would be mine. You always knew what I liked. Sometimes better than I did myself. It's funny how two people are able to think and feel so alike.
Do you remember that I had tried the trousers on again that day? At home. I hadn't worn them for very long though.

Your touch. Every time your hands had travelled over my body, my skin had felt on fire. I had been nothing but a puddle at your feet whenever your fingertips had found the exact spots that made me squirm with need. Your lips, so soft. Tasting so sweet. I couldn't get enough of you. Never. From the first time you had leaned in to kiss me, I had been totally lost to you.
Do you remember our first date? I do. To the smallest fiber of my being. As if it was yesterday. I will never forget how excited I had been. How nervous. And scared. Yes, I've never told you that. I had been scared. To say or do anything wrong. Anything that would blow my chances with you. Up to the point when I had dared to look into your eyes. From that moment on, I had been in heaven. And the whole night had felt like I was standing on clouds. Still, I had told myself, before you had come over to pick me up from my apartement, that I would go home alone that night. No matter how everything went.
I hadn't expected the effect your hands holding mine had on me. You didn't know that? Oh, I'm sure you did. You had seemed so confident as you accompanied me to my apartement door. Everything around me had vanished as I was trying to unlock my door. As I didn't succed, my hands shaking so hard I could barely hold the keys, your hand had landed on top off mine. I remember how you had stood so close behind me, your mouth just inches away from my ear. I hadn't dared moving. Afraid this moment would burst like a bubble. Your hand on mine, your fingers gently closing around mine had sent a shock wave through my body. Making my legs wobble.

I had turned around. Then allowed myself to lean against the still locked door. You had grinned at me. Not widely. Just barely showing it. There was this glint of a smirk. Teasing me with your cockiness. I had wanted to scream, the tension between us so high I could barely breath. And you played with me. Had you already back then been able to read my feelings so easily? I don't know. But I'm sure of one thing. The seconds that you had ever so slowly reached out to gently push a strand of my hair behind my ear, had felt like hours. Pure torture. But I loved it. And when you finally leaned in to claim my lips as yours, I had already fallen so hard for you nothing else needed to be done. Our lips connecting that first time even now lets my body shake with excitement. From that day on I was craving your body. Your touch. Your closeness. And you were more than happy to share all of it with me. As I was to give myself to you.

Had I known back then how being without you feels, I still would have not turned you down. Maybe I would have held on tighter. Cherised any second I could explore you even more. But then again, I doubt it would have been possible. We never were apart for very long. Now, I'm alone. And my body screams for you. With every breath I take, I feel a million knifes cutting me. Taring me apart. And I'm not able to do anything about it. I don't want this anymore. I'm not able to go any further.

Even now that I'm moving my feet to climb over the balustrade, every motion is a punishment for me. I just want it to be over with. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. This emptiness that you left inside of me. You were my other half. What am I without you?

The sun is burning the skin on my arms. My hands are latching on to the cold metal bars behind me. One step. And it all will be over. One step and the pain will vanish. What pure joy this thought is offering me.

I can hear them. They are coming. Their sirenes are cutting through the distance. Taunting me. Pushing and yet holding me.
How many will it be? And what are they coming for? To safe me? I don't want to be safed. All I want, all I need, is you. You alone. You, who made me smile. And laugh. You, who had held me in her arms when I had cried through the night. You, who was standing beside me through any journey that life was sending me on. You took care of me. You kept the demons away, when the fever was shaking my body, wave after wave. You were my saviour. You – are not here with me.

They are coming closer. From every side.

Stay away. Please, just leave me be.

I've had enough of them. How could they be so cruel? I hate them.

No, maybe it isn't fair. It wasn't their fault. They just did their job. They only had been the messengers. Not the ones responsible.
Are you able to imagine how my whole body had stiffened when I had opened the door to our apartment and had seen the two police officers standing there?
I knew it. As soon as my eyes had taken them in. My heart knew. Stopping. Right there. They didn't need to say anything. I saw it. In their eyes. The way one of them held on to a folder in his hands. Avoiding my gaze as soon as I had opened the door. The other one, slightly older than his colleague had been talking to me. I had seen his lips move, but had heard nothing.
Then the next moment, darkness. When I reopened my eyes, I found myself sat on our couch. In our living room. The younger officer was kneeling in front of me.
They didn't belong there. I wanted them to leave. Go away and take your words with you. No, I didn't want to hear it. Nothing said, nothing wrong. I prayed. Even though I was never one to believe in any religion. At that moment praying I would wake up and find you in bed, cuddled up behind me was the best I could do. Your comforting arms around me. Holding me safe to your body. Shielding me from the storms roaring on the outside world.

No praying, no begging helped. Wishing didn't do anything either. The brutal truth? The older officer spoke. In this serious, distant voice he threw the whole reality at me. Hearing it I had no chance of escaping it. I was trapped. And you weren't there to help me fight through it.

You had driven on the interstate. When the truck driver lost control over his vehicle. Somehow. He had hit into your little car head-on. Leaving you no chance to react or do anything. So, they said.

You died. Right there, in what was left of your car.

I needed to hear it. Maybe you call me crazy. Yes, maybe it would have been enough for me to know that you were gone. But it all made no sense. Their words seemed like a lie. As if they were wrong to show up at our door and tell me that I had lost you. Forever. I needed the whole truth.

You had lived. At first. They said. Whispering to them to tell me that you loved me. Then you had lost the fight. Where was I at that moment? Why does live punish us so much? For what? All I wanted was to be with you.
Why let total strangers accompany you on your last journey? It was me, who was supposed to be there. Not them. It should have been my arms, holding you. My words telling you that it all would be okay. That you were safe now. I didn't get the chance to be there. How alone you must have felt. How scared. And me? I had been at home, preparing our dinner. Waiting for you to come back to me. You never did.

As I lean my body backwards against the balustrade, a cold chill passes my face. Ruffling my hair. As if you're here with me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It is as if I could feel your presence. Beside me. Watching over me. Welcoming me.

You should be here. Why aren't you!?! God damnit! How could you do this to me? Who gave you the right, to just leave me like this!?! You had promised! Telling me, we would always be together. Nothing would ever be able to seperate us. Nothing and no one. Where are you now!?! You promised! You're a liar!

I love you. Always and forever.

We will be together again. You promised. And I intend to hold you for this.

One step. And I will be with you again. I can't wait anymore....

Their car stops only a few meters away from me. I have my eyes closed still. But I know they are here now. I'm able to hear the car doors open and close. One of them is speaking on his radio. What they're saying, doesn't make any sense to me. I'm only able to hear a blur of voices. I don't care anyway. All that matters is that I want to be with you again.

Then – footsteps. Soft. Careful. They stop even before I'm able to move any muscle.

“Hey.”

I open my eyes and turn my head to the side where the voice came from.

This voice. The woman speaks low. Trying to keep her composure. Yet, I'm able to make out a faint shake in it. She's trying to hide it from me. Very professional. How sweet.

She's hardly a woman.The word 'girl' would describe her better. Why would they sent someone like her? How is she be able to deal with a situation like this? She seems not very confident. Her face is pale, framed by dark blonde hair. Brown eyes nervously jump from me to the barricade and back.
She's maybe in her early twenties. Not even that. Starting twenty. If at all.

In a way I feel sorry for her.
But I didn't ask her to come here. I didn't ask any of them.
I don't want their help. They can't do anything. Or will they be able to bring you back to me? Will you, young girl?! I doubt it.

I damn myself as I turn my head away from the young officer again. This is not what was supposed to happen. I wanted no people watching me do this. Nor do I want them to try and stop me.

Nothing will stop me. Stop us from being together again, right? To hell with them.

One step.

My foot feels so heavy as I lift it off the barricade behind me.

One step.

One step back into the arms of happiness.

One step that will free me from this pain and let me feel whole again.

One step.

I take a deep breath. My lungs are hurting as they totally fill with air.

I don't want to be hurting anymore.

One step......