Despertar

it speaks to me

Tina likes country music. I do not, for previously mentioned reasons having to do more with context than with anything else. She did, however, turn me onto Reba McEntire's "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia," which, to Aaron's point, is a Vicki Lawrence cover. And written by Bobby Russell. I like it anyway, though. It speaks to me.

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1. So far who did you talk to the most today?
Our presenter this morning was a Staff Attorney for the Asylum Legal Representation Program. I was totally fascinated by the material she presented, especially all the inconsistencies in the process by which asylum is granted (or, more often, denied), so I asked a bunch of what I'm sure were really ignorant and irritating questions.

2. What is the best name for a butler?
Geoffrey.

3. What was your last weird encounter?
After this morning's mass viewing of A Well-Founded Fear, I ran into one of the 2Ls in the bathroom. She was in a stall when I walked in, but I recognized her by her shoes. I can't pee with anyone listening, so I stood out there at the mirror fixing my hair, waiting for her to get done. Instead, she sat totally still for several minutes, then let out an agonized-or-pleasurable Uhhhhhhhhh and blew what sounded like an infant-sized turd that left her body with an even louder Pthhhhhhbbbbbb. I experienced a brief, delighted Ernie-like moment where I didn't think I'd be able to hold in my laughter. I clapped my hands over my mouth and almost died at the bathroom sink, just barely regaining composure before she flushed, stepped out of the stall, fixed her hair in the mirror and left the bathroom without washing her hands. That last part being, honestly, the only reason I don't feel guilty sharing this story.

4. What's the weirdest story of one of your scars?
I actually have some pretty serious rug burn along my spine right now. But that story isn't that weird. I'll let you use your imaginations.

5. Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say "bear"?
If that happened at all, it didn't leave its mark on me. The only thing I remember from Bambi is that the mother dies, and that there's a skunk with an ironic name, which I can't remember.

6. What color is your toothbrush?
At this transitional phase in my life, I've got one toothbrush for every place I've spent the night in the last three months. There are five in total. Three are green and white (my favorite color combination), one is read, one is clear. Two have sparkles, four are long past due for replacement, one is missing half its bristles and two have been used--without my authorization or knowledge--to very lovingly clean my younger brother's sneakers.

7. What is your middle name spelled backwards?
namI.

8. Can you eat well with chopsticks?
I do fine, but I try to avoid it around other people, not because I'm self-conscious, but because there's always someone at the dinner table with an Asian SO or BFF, eager to show off his or her worldliness, and I'm just not interested in developing my expertise at eating with chopsticks.

9. What odd things creep you out?
Chewing noises, primarily. I can't stand them.

10. Have you ever felt an earthquake?
Not a full-out one, no, but a few tremors in the middle of the night on the West Coast.

11. What do you do with the hot grease when you're done cooking bacon?
I never cook bacon, but if I did, I would use it the same way my grandmother used to, to fry eggs. The statistics surrounding people of color and heart disease really are just shocking.

12. What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Chitterlings score high.

13.
What color are your socks today?
Nope. black stockings.

14. What is your favorite word that starts with the letter G?
On my first day of summer camp, in 1994, my group had to introduce ourselves via the alphabet game. It's where you say your name, and then some other word that starts with the same letter and is somehow meaningful to you. I was Shannon Shorts, because it was July and I was wearing shorts. On her turn, our nineteen-year-old counselor introduced herself as "Georgia...Gestationperiod," and laughed nervously in the direction of her junior counselor. None of us knew what her word meant, but it sounded adult and boring anyway, so no one asked. A few weeks later, I was sort of eavesdropping on the two counselors and I heard Chrissie ask Georgia, "So, did you find a way to tell David about the you-know-what, yet?" I have no idea why my brain held onto that memory till I was old enough to piece it together.

15. Who do you blame for your mood today?
Myself, like most days, but my mood is not bad, nor has it been in a couple of weeks, with the brief exception of the day Chris called me a bitch.

16. If Ricky Martin had a trademark what would it be?
He does, doesn't he? Or several?

17. What is something scientists need to invent?
Any or all of the Sims' Aspiration Rewards, which kick ass. A Noodlesoother would be fantastic right now, as, in a few decades, would the Elixir of Life.

18. What is the closest object to your left foot?
My left shoe, about four inches away, under my desk.

19. Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
Dorothy was a little androgynous for my tastes, but I remember being young, and not being able to take my eyes off her. I was too little to get the jokes, so Blanche wasn't amusing to me, nor were Sophia's one-liners, and brainless women like Rose are always an annoyance.

20. Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers?
"I two you"/"I four you"? But, "joke." Heh.

21. What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a night?
Once again, "number" and "fewer" refer to discrete quantities; "amount" and "less" do not.

22. How do ugly people make you feel?
Confused. Per a remark Ernie made as a response to something I said about obesity, I now forget what, everyone has their prejudices, and everyone, to an extent, bases their prejudices on the superficial. So on the one hand, I like ugly people because they make me feel prettier, but on the other hand, I'm sure that single-tiered superiority creeps into my subconscious and makes me act like an asshole toward them, too. Mostly, I have an obnoxious little scoffing reaction when I see ugly people with ugly children, but I know it's completely wrong of me to decree that anyone's genes aren't worth passing on.

23. Where was your mother's hometown?
She was an army brat. They didn't stop moving till she was in high school.

24. Where was your father's hometown?
Detroit. The mean streets thereof.

25. What are the posters on your walls?
I don't have any yet, because Jake still lives there.

26. Say two words that rhyme.
Build, guild.

27. Do you use online terms in real life?
Constantly. With ever-decreasing irony. They're taking over my vocabulary, in fact.

28. What do you think people think of you?
Worst-case scenario, I'm sure they think I am elitist, judgmental, condescending and not nearly as smart as I think I am. They also, in a few individual cases, think I am childish, bitchy and cruel, none of which could be further from the truth. But I guess perception is reality.

29. Do you think this year will be better than the last?
It seems like it will, but I don't want to jinx it.

30. Who is the first person on your incoming call list and how do you feel about them?
It's Tori, whom I hadn't seen since about five years ago and ran into after The Dark Knight on Tuesday. I like her better than I remember. I think I'm going to try to hang out with her this weekend before she leaves town for home.

31. Do you know who Salad Fingers is?
No. (Now I fully expect an email from a crowing Katrina, who gloated shamelessly when she found out I didn't know who Slim Pickens was and she did.)

32. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done?
The question is, what is the stupidest thing I haven't ever done. Because I've done pretty much every stupid thing there is, except meth or rock-climbing.

33. What is your favorite commercial of the moment?
Jaden Smith is pretty damn cute in the McDonald's commercial.

34. What does it take to make you cry?
More than it used to, at least. First I have to already feel incredibly hopeless and depressed about my present boy situation, and then some microscopic, negative, uncontrollable thing has to happen (I miss my train, I lose my cell phone). Then I have to be doing something repetitive with my fingers (Tetris works best). Then I'm done.

35. What are you looking forward to?
Tonight, next Saturday.

36. Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly?
Please, I had regular weepathons when I was nine, because I was ugly. Some days, this is really pathetic, I would run up to my room and crawl under my bed and just bawl, yelling affirmations like "I'm not ugly!" and "I don't look better without my glasses!" to undo the pain I felt at all the little things people had said to me throughout the day.

37. Who did you kiss today?
No one, yet.

38. What do you like to do when you are alone?
I'm coming to terms with the fact that, until I uninstall The Sims 2, I'm never going to do any voluntary creative writing ever again, because the game occupies just enough of my brainspace and motor skills to keep me complacent.

39. Who are your two favorite characters on Full House?
I liked DJ's complexity and Jesse's hair. Joey, the sexually frustrated non-uncle, just completely perved me out.

40. What is missing from your life?
Um, nothing, right this second. As of this summer, I have everything I should want, right now. Things are getting better!

41. Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes?
Dumb question. Why would I wear something I was ashamed of? Also, by the definition I recognize, "hippie clothes" are any clothes worn with a decidedly cavalier, fuck-what-you-think-about-my-sense-of-fashion kind of way. So it probably isn't even possible to be ashamed of oneself while wearing them.

42. Grab the closest book, what does the seventh sentence on the twenty-seventh page say?
"[B]y the imperialist powers of the world, acting in"--the font is big.

43. When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?
Mayish, probably. But not officially. More like, it was there, on my bed, and I was too exhausted to clear it off before I collapsed.

44. If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear?
I'd like to die predictably and warmly in bed, so, I'd like to think I'll be barefoot. If you mean, armageddon is coming, what's the last pair of shoes you want to be seen wearing, I almost definitely don't care. From a probability standpoint, I'd probably be wearing flip-flops. Dirty white ones. Unless it was winter. But maybe even then.

45. Do you own a Super Nintendo?
Yes! But one of the controllers is lost and it freezes all the time, being as it is almost fifteen years old.

46. What do you think of Law and Order?
Not much, except that August Hermann is, I think, one of the prettiest celebrity babies there is. Those eyes! Jesus.

47. Can you name all seven dwarves?
Yes.

48. Have you ever pretended to be Jewish?
Why would I do that, and who would I fool? The closest I've come would be, maybe, my impersonation of Larry David delivering his diatribe on the self-loathing Jew stereotype. But I doubt anyone is fooled.

49. What was the last thing you thought you'd lost, but ended up finding it?
Justin. Or, well, my cell phone.

50. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Cleaning my room, watching Yentl and watching Keara Prescott grow up into a beautiful, if thin-lipped, teenager.

51. If you had a ball of clay what would you mold it into?
I wouldn't, I would wrap it up and take it home to replace the dried-out dough that came with my Cranium set. We played it too much and the dough shriveled up, cracked and started breaking. Chad tried adding water to it, but that just turned it into something akin to unwashable paint.

52. What does your milkshake bring to the yard?
The boys. All of them.

53. Do you have any famous relatives?
My father's eldest sister did the harp credits on most of the old Motown tracks. Listen to the bridge of "Just My Imagination"; that's her!