Despertar

if the trailer's a rockin, don't come a knockin

I have to keep telling myself things like that to keep from being really depressed that I'm not still in California.

There were tremors one night. I don't know anything about the Richter scale, but I doubt this would have registered. The doorframe rattled a little bit--I mistook it for a maybe-intruder. I found out what it was the next day and freaked out.

*

1. Do you ever take off your shoes while you're in a movie theater?
The last two times I went to the movies, it was crowded and we were late, so we had to sit in the front row, which eliminated the appeal of taking off my shoes. Propping my feet up on another seat is one thing; lowering them into the sticky abyss of a theater floor is something else entirely.

2. Should it be illegal for anyone to purchase an ultrasound machine unless they are a medical professional?
I don't have all the facts on this one. Are ultrasound machines dangerous for radiation purposes or something? Because if not, why shouldn't they be allowed to? It seems almost exactly like owning a diabetes testing kit or something.

3. Do you think that when people drop words of another language into conversation, that they are being pretentious?
I like when Caroline does it. I like when Junot Diaz does it. I don't like when know-it-all nerdy middle school kids ubersize everything and refer, frequently and incorrectly, to schadenfreude.

4. Is divine right still an active philosophy in today's governments?
Indirectly, but sure. It's closely linked to manifest destiny, which, I'm sure we all agree, plays a pretty major role, as well.

5. Which do you think does the most damage to society--alcohol or marijuana?
I'm partial to alcohol, I like it better, but I guess they're equally dangerous, in the sense that both seriously undermine a person's sense of responsibility for himself. The health risks associated with alcohol are much greater, though. Then again, as Randy Marsh points out, marijuana makes people okay with being bored, which in turn causes them to stagnate, badly. There's nothing more offputting than hanging out with a bunch of smelly people who think everything is funny.

6. Are vampires sexy?
I don't get that whole thing.

7. Do you have to pay for your own back-to-school clothes?
Yes, but I doubt I'll really buy anything new this year. Last year I totally prepped out, filling my closet with a bunch of unnecessarily expensive J. Crew separates, only to find out everyone wears sweats and T-shirts in law school.

8. Do you call the postal service "snail mail"?
I haven't snail mailed anything in ages, so I have no real reason to refer to it as anything at all.

9. Do you order familiar dishes such as hamburgers even at foreign restaurants?
No, but I don't gravitate toward dishes whose names I totally don't recognize, either. I tend to really scour the English descriptions underneath the flowery foreign dish names.

10. Are Muslim nations ethically immature?
Now that is myopic. Virtually every nation has a differently developed ethic code than every other nation. Islam's most significant critique on our culture is that we're the ones who are ethically immature. So it's all subjective, and really, isn't all that casting of stones kind of immature at its core, anyway?

11. Do you believe that being human is a good enough reason to have greater moral rights than non-human animals?
I think humans, like other biological organisms, are hardwired to protect the well-being of their own kind above and at the expense of all others. So I think it makes perfect natural sense that we think it's okay to domesticate, eat and plow through the homes of non-human animals. They do the same to us and to each other, in their own ways. They just have different levels of brain function, so the manifestations are different.

12. Generally speaking, have your favorite teachers been people who have children of thier own, or people who had no children (yet)?
That I know of, I've only ever had five teachers (out of around seventy-five) who were childless. Of those five teachers, three were young and planned to have children someday, and the other two planned to remain childless. The two that planned to remain childless were a little less nurturing and a little more distant, yes. The three who didn't have children yet were a little impatient and not quite as experienced (thought that may have been an age thing). I don't know--instinctively, I feel like, if children are your business, if you love them enough to make a career out of teaching them, the probability that you'd want some of your own is pretty high. But I know there are those who feel like teaching is their contribution to the next generation.

13. Do you like jellybeans?
Yeah, I like to read the Jelly Belly cookbooks and make recipes with the flavors. But that always leaves a bunch of gross brown, black and tannish ones behind in the box. Who really likes licorice-flavored anything?

14. Do you think you spend an unusual amount of time thinking unusual thoughts?
I don't flatter myself to think I'm all that original.

15. Do you consider a psychologist to be more scientific than a psychiatrist?
No?

16. Do you think Israel will wipe Iran off the map as soon as Iran announces they have nuclear weapons?
I think the chances of the U.S. allowing that to happen without interference are very, very slim.

17. Is conversation a lost art?
One could make the argument that the digital age is rendering it so. I'm finding that I'm a lot better at talking to my friends online than I am at participating in an in-person conversation. Also, that every time I meet a new person, I break the ice with the same exact question about three favorite movies.

18. Do you think there are way too many forensic shows on television?
Supply and demand, baby.

19. Should schizophrenics with visual hallucinations be allowed to drive?
Anyone with practically impaired vision that is likely to create unsafe driving conditions should not be allowed to drive. That includes really, really severe myopia, which is why, and this is sad, I know, most really elderly people, minus the ones who still have sharp eyesight, should really do themselves and us a favor and sacrifice that bit of independence for the general safety and flow of traffic.

20. Do you have high self-esteem?
I feel good today. Ask me again tomorrow.

21. Would you rather be President or First Lady?
I'd rather be neither, but I'm certainly not qualified for the former. I can't imagine a more miserable life than being married to Barack Obama, not because he isn't a total hottie, but because I'd worry every minute about the very real threat of assassination, and about what's inevitably going to happen to his reputation when he can't snap his fingers and instantly repair the dead economy.

22. Do you think some people are too uptight about using labels?
My mother never lets me go anywhere without taking a Sharpie to all my clothes and possessions.

23. If you were a celebrity, would you be frightened to bring your new baby out in public?
I'd be more afraid to receive the public's critique. I'm sure Adam Sandler thought Sadie was the most beautiful child in the world, till every magazine in the world declared her fugly.

24. Do you think professional baseball, as we know it, will exist in twenty years?
I don't see why not.

25. Have you ever been accused of being a lesbian just because you aren't slutty?
Not recently, and never by anyone outside my immediate family, but my mother worried, understandably, for a long time.

26. Do you like the smell of cigarettes?
I like when I catch a faint hint of it on a breeze or something. Not when I'm trapped in the car with a smoker who won't roll down the window.

27. Should children be allowed to swear during class?
No. I think learning the nuances of when it is and isn't okay to use certain types of language is a necessary component to figuring out that every aspect of life takes maneuvering. Not everything is okay everywhen and everywhere.

28. Which type of music do you prefer, punk or classical?
I like a lot of classical subgenres. I still don't have a really solid handle on what counts as "punk"--I only know Avril Lavigne supposedly resurrected it, and I don't like her music, so.

29. Has a movie ever changed your life?
They all have. Each one adds to my life vocabulary. Most recently, though, the Saw quartology has had an endless effect on my dream life.

30. Do you prefer morning or night?
I could do without the first eight hours of the day.

31. Do you think online relationships can really work?
Not indefinitely, no. I mean, maybe. In my experience, which is limited, the only thing driving any sort of long-distance relationship is the anticipation of eventually being together in person. Indefinite separation sucks. Only knowing your mate as the sum of his self-expressive online writings sucks. Some of the most articulate writers are huge douchebags, and vice versa. Besides which, I strongly believe you need to see, for yourself, how well your prospective mate treats the waiter.

32. Would you prefer to hang out with small children or elderly adults for a day?
I'd prefer to hang out with small children over just about anybody. They are completely delightful.

33. Do people of different races hit on you more often than people of your own?
Per the cultural stereotype, Hispanic men are the most vocal when they see me on the street--which is to say, they hit on me with no expectation that it'll turn into anything. Black men try the hardest to strike sexual/romantic chemistry, and at least pretend to be interested in me as some type of partner. White men, historically, have tended to fetishize me--they want to know whether my hair is naturally curly and see how my nipples compare to the tiny pink ones they're used to, et cetera. I rarely see Asian men hit on anyone, so I don't take it personally that I've never been hit on by one.

34. Will you watch a bad movie just because you like the actor?
From Hell, The Libertine, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Benny and Joon, Cry-Baby, The Ninth Gate...

35. What do you think was the last classic Disney movie?
The Lion King. But I think my thoughts on Disney movies are kind of self-centered, as I think the highest quality ones are The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and so on--all the ones spanning the late eighties to the mid-nineties, when, coincidentally, I was a little kid who loved cartoons.

36. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Manderley. Among the azaleas.

37. Do you think that if Russia did not stop Germany, that Germany would have succeeded?
Probably. Just like Trujillo's reign of terror would have gone unchecked forever till someone gunned him down, as someone did. That level of psychological indoctrination is so pervasive, it takes an act of serious intervention to turn it on its ear.

38. Have you ever done a hallucinogenic drug?
Negative.

39. Does sarcasm make you happy?
I went through a phase, late college, during which everything I said had a moderately clever edge of sarcasm. People reacted well to it. That made me happy. Generally, though, other people's sarcasm makes me unhappy, because most of the time I can't tell that's what it is. I can't tell you how often I start disagreeing with something someone just said, only to have them cut me off, frowning, with "I was kidding." So embarrassing.

40. Would you like to put your ashes on Ebay after you die, so that you can be scattered in several different places around the world at no cost to your family?
Um, I'd like to hope my children are invested enough to see to it personally that my ashes get where they're going. Also I can't imagine anyone would want to buy me off of Ebay, unless I do something really big with my life, which, at this rate, is doubtful, at best.

41. Do you have a good yelling voice?
I have a terrible yelling voice. I sometimes panic spontaneously about what I would do if I ever got attacked in a semi-private place. Because I can't scream.

42. Do you cherish and appreciate family heirlooms?
Sure. When I went to the wedding, I took a hand-beaded coin purse my grandfather brought back from Vietnam in the seventies.

43. Would you be more likely to agree to go on a blind date if the potential date were described as "a great person" or "good looking"?
Insert disclaimer about how I don't ever want to get set up on blind dates under any circumstances. But honestly, given those choices, I'd probably be more interested in the latter. In my experience, "great" people tend to be outspoken and opinionated, with their hands in all different self-righteous causes. And they never want to go to the movies with me.

44. Do you believe that everyone is born with their mind as a "blank slate," and their personality is shaped solely through experiences they go through throughout their lives?
Not at all. The tiniest infant already has a totally distinct personality, and is only missing the tools to express it. You can definitely tell a baby that's going to grow up sanguine and mellow from one that's irritable and highstrung.

45. Hypothetically, if you were to see your father cheating with another woman, would you tell your mother?
I don't know.

46. Would you rather tour Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory or Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?
Hogwarts--and to be honest, I never understood why so many children (and scheming adults) the world over totally lost their poo over the idea of getting into the Wonka Factory.

47. Do you sleep with the comforter on hotel beds?
Yeah. Trace amounts of a stranger's reproductive mucus aren't going to kill me.

48. Are you extremely anti-drugs/anti-smoking?
Kind of, yeah. Drugs ruin families and warp people into worst-case versions of themselves. I can't imagine being that mother who has to subsidize her child's drug habit because she can't bear the thought of seeing him on the street sucking dick for his next hit.

49. Are you pop culturally illiterate?
Pshaw. I woke up an hour early today to pick up the new People with the Jolie-Pitt babies on it. Too bad for me it doesn't hit newsstands till this afternoon.

50. Do either of your parents work in a medical field?
No.