Second Helpings

Changes

I've always believed that on the whole I find it fairly easy to express myself through words. Whatever is going on in my life or the world, or whatever I'm feeling has been a simple matter of jotting down somewhere through writing and then feeling offloaded and relieved.

Lately that feeling is evading me. I cannot express how I'm feeling right now but I think I need to give it my best shot. Those of you who have lost a parent may empathise; those of you who haven't may imagine.

Of course I knew when I wrote my tongue in cheek entries about La La Land that one day there would only be one resident. I always anticipated it would be my Dad who was left alone, despite him being the older parent. I know in many ways it's a blessing my Mum didn't have to suffer any more of the indignity and frustration of dementia and it should be a relief for me not to have to deal with it on a daily basis.

But I loved my Mum for 57 years of my life and have never spent more than a fortnight away from her. It's 13 weeks today since she passed and my emotions are still raw and all over the place. Don't get me wrong; I love my Dad too but I've never had that close relationship with him some daughters have with their fathers and am left feeling what I do for him is more a duty. It creases me to see him sitting in what was Mum's chair and I cannot go to the house without shedding tears, although I know I have to put on a face for his benefit.

Losing a parent is one of life's hardest knocks and there is no ideal time for it. If you lose one early in life you feel deprived and know it's not fair they didn't last long enough. When you lose one much later in life it's so sad to see the other parent old and alone and selfishly to wonder how long you have left yourself before similar problems develop. Catch 22.

Things haven't changed a great deal. I'm still a carer, still doing the same humdrum things, except my Mum isn't part of them any longer. I miss her immensely but am aware it's the Mum she was I miss, rather than the shell of a Mum dementia robbed us of.

I've always dreaded losing my Mum and have woken from many nightmares about it. Now it's a reality and although I know I have to accept and adjust I'm finding it's affecting me in a multitude of ways.

Experience has taught me I have to keep active and busy to cope, But the loss of my Mum has brought about a feeling I have to change what I can to make my world a different place to the one I shared with her. With me so far?

I'm trying hard to kick routines and do things differently to some extent. We've changed our supermarket shop, I've joined a different gym, am attempting to tackle new activities in the hope that changes will ease the pain and help me move forward,

I feel very strongly it's time to take stock and rid my life of things I don't need. Cliches they may be, but life is short and whatever time I have left I need to make as good use of as I can. I have never really known what it is I want from life but peace of mind has always been a top priority and something I've yet to achieve. Maybe I never will.

I'm struggling here; help me out will you please? I'm not sure where I'm heading or what I hope for the future, but I know I have to make changes to survive. I continue to try and take one day at a time, preserve my faith in the belief of the survival of the human spirit and the hope that destiny will point me and you in the right direction.

A small thing it may be but I feel my time as editor of the Blogville News has reached saturation point. It will be one less thing to think about and hopefully will release some time for other writing projects. Who am I kidding?

So, I'm happy to announce that David McClain , the founder of the original Newsletter will be taking his baby back starting next month. I know he'll make a great job of it and will successfully recruit new columnists and fresh voices. My support and enthusuasm for the BVN will continue, but I have to take into account my own needs and right now I'm not sure what they are. I just know I need to alter my routines and try to take new things on board.

I have never felt in need of a hug more in the whole of my life. I'm so grateful for my friends and the support I receive here but I have this deep need just to be hugged. My parents were never great huggers but I have learned rather late in life that huggers are lovely people and can think of a few great huggers I've met recently who have enriched my life. You know who you are. All hugs gratefully accepted. Thanks for listening.