Down the Rabbit Hole

Pressure Points

Today brings mixed messages of dismay at the mandated paycuts my company has imposed on management and relief at still having a job, still having a company that is alive...struggling but still surviving. Last night I gave in uncharacterisically to the desire to forget it all for an evening. My immediate and pressing financial concerns slide away in a haze of intoxication. I went to bed, exhausted but relatively untroubled. As they tend to, my problems rose to greet me with the morning light somehow seemingly made worse by my having ignored them for the evening. The entire country is plagued by similiar economic woes and one needs to keep their perception about the big picture in the back of the mind. Still, I can't help but see the things that I now need to put off...a family, a new home, the very things I feel I am running out of time to experience. His ascertions that everything will be okay don't permeate the walls of my fears and looming disappointments these days. For now, I am trying to find pockets of optomism in all the darkened corners. I'm trying to have faith, be faithful and hopeful. I left the house in a blaze of anger this morning. Mad at him and mostly mad at myself for not staying focused last night, for not sitting down and talking with him more seriously. It has been difficult, we have a house guest who's presence, while only minimally envasive, still seems to hamper our ability to discuss things as candidly as may be necessary sometimes. At least it seems to be a handy excuse for me. It seems to all boil down to just being frustrated and scared. I thought about what I would want from him, maybe for him to sit down and discuss things more with me, make suggestions..not just stand apart, consumed by his own fear and his own concerns. I wonder sometimes about the differences in where we each are and how differently we seem to process things. I suffer daily from the anxious and nagging feeling that he may be ill prepared for the challenges of this particular marriage. I marvel at how the very moments we should be supporting each other the most, we seem to desert each other and fall instead into disagreement and discontent.