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Apologies

    Ever had someone apologize to you by saying, "If I said or did anything to offend you, . . . ." or something similar to that? Did that apology make you feel better or worse?
    That kind of apology does not usually work.
    Why? Because it's not really an apology. Most people would feel the sarcasm.No matter how sweet the voice that says it, it's a veiled attempt to place the blame on the other person. That qualifier "if" is the key word. But the subsequent words confirm that the person apologizing doesn't believe that he or she has done anything wrong. It's your fault that you feel offended. These "non-apologies" parade by us frequently, at work, with friends or family, even in cyber-space.
      Psychologists and therapists tell us to make simple apologies. Just say, "I'm sorry." Don't qualify or complicate your apology. Even if you feel that you didn't do anything wrong, the other person feels offended. So if you value that person by choice (a friend) or by force ( a boss of coach), place the priority on their feelings.
      Rarely is it a matter of principle, where we must stand up for what we believe. In most cases, the relationship is more important than the principle. That relationship could be family, friends, work, social, business, school, and so forth. We all have to get along with other people for survival, so close personal relationships are not the only ones that deserve wholehearted apologies.
      If you don't understand why the person is offended, say so in a kind way, directly. In your own words, just say, "I don't want to offend you; please help me understand what I did, so I won't do it again."  Chances are you do know, but your pride gets in the way of confessing to yourself or to anyone else.
      Being right isn't always the number one priority. I have seen some situations, particularly in the work place, where the sincere apology of a person who had done nothing wrong, healed a bad situation and created friendships that lasted. Being contrite and sincere and being the first one to step up to an apology built trust and respect in their work lives. Work is how we spend most of our adult lives, so those apologies were good investments.
      One thing more: when you are forced to make an apology that isn't in your heart, like work or school, or maybe the military, take a deep breath, resign yourself, and in a calm voice offer the most sincere apology that you can muster. If it has to be written, just keep it simple, short, and don't add in extra things, like the qualifiers or buisness items. Adding in status reports or supply requests underplays the apology. So just give them what they want. Maybe in time your heart will soften and forgive.