Second Helpings

Ha So

I heard the letterbox rattle this morning and thought it was the postperson delivering mail. But alas no, there on the doormat was yet another menu from the latest Chinese takeaway 'Ying Tai.' I tucked it in the drawer along with all the rest, but then started pondering.

Nottingham is a very beautiful, historic and lively city which I love, but the little town I live in about fifteen miles north has little going for it. It was a thriving coal mining area at one stage, but with the closure of the pits and little industry, it has become a very deprived place with much unemployment.

There is little to do in the evening and has only one pub in the centre of town which is a dive. Crime is rising and the sound of sirens accompanies birdsong each dawn and dusk. Consequently, people tend to stay in at night.

The traffic system is a nightmare with constant jams and queues at lights. It can take up to three days to get out the end of our street, so nowadays it's best to walk rather than drive. But what is there to walk to? Many shops are empty or boarded up and those that thrive are cheap pound shops, bookmakers or run by charities. We do however have an abundance of Estate Agents and Takeaways, most of them Asian.

Now, this is where I get to wondering. This God-forsaken little town is surely a very undesirable place to live, yet every available piece of land is snatched up to build houses. Hence all the money grabbing Estate Agents. No foresight and financial crises has put a halt on a lot of the building sites and they now lie half finished and silent.

The population of this town is very working class. Salt of the earth types with no airs and graces, but generally honest souls with big hearts. But they are not adventurous types and like their fish and chips, roast beef and yorkshire puds and pints of beer. I'd wager the most adventurous and exotic culinary digression they ever make is a curry sauce on their chips or a kebab on a Saturday after a night out on the binge. Ethnic members of our local community are very low in numbers and probably all members of the families who run the restaurants. So how come we have around twenty Asian takeaways thriving around here and pushing their menus through our doors?

Now, I have nothing against foreign food and am all for trying out different types of cuisine. But, it's a rare occasion I'll eat anything from an Asian takeaway for various reasons. One being my memories of visiting a Chinese Supemarket and lifting lids on containers to reveal such delights as duck's bills, chicken's feet and pig's ears.

Secondly, are some of the reports and convictions I've read about in local Newspapers where tested food has revealed added contents such as human urine in the Chow Mein. Indeed, only last week a friend of mine discovered half a burnt basting brush inside her crispy duck pancake from a local takeaway. Serves her right for eating duck but I wouldn't want to lose a friend from death by swallowing bristles.

Then of course, I've had the experience of living a few months with Asian influences. I emphasise I am in no way racist and find other cultures fascinating, but after hearing tales of dishes served in Cambodia and residing with strange vegetables, the aroma of fish sauce , parts of the anatomy of animals I never knew existed and noodles and rice up to my knees, I'd had my fill. I will eat Asian dishes, but prefer to cook them myself so I know enough about the ingredients as I'm allowed to.

So, I now have a theory. The enormous housing estate which stands unfinished at the end of our lane must be full of illegal Asian immigrants. Many of the completed houses are occupied, but I never see anyone go in or out of them. I think they dare not go out at night for fear of being identified, robbed, mugged or raped and are scared to go out in the day in case they get trapped for eternity in our ridiculous traffic system.

So, they stay in their houses, sending out to Mr Chans, Happy Dragon, Shun Hing, Rising Sun and Ying Tei for their Black Bean Chop Suey, Spring Rolls, Pork Ball Foo Yung, Egg Fried Rice and Kung Po Sauce. How else can you explain the survival of almost twenty Asian takeaways in a working class, predominantly white area where unemployment is rife and finances mean a bag of chips is a luxury?

I know what you're thinking. I'm (Prawn) Crackers.