Down the Rabbit Hole

Fading to blue

There is a jumbled, anxious feeling in my gut these last few days. Tomorrow night I'm making dinner for my father and his wife and I'm filled with trepidation about it. The ecomony has placed such a vice grip on the company lately and the strain seems to have leaked over into the personal relationship as well. If he comes into the office at all, he passed most of the day behind a closed door. I feel estranged and not just from him. I feel set apart from my family too, disconnected. I seem to only have two modes, irritable and depressed. I'd orginally written it off as a prolonged seasonable depression inspired by a winter that holds on with stubborn talons. Lately, I worry that it is a sympton of something else, some undercurrent of unhappiness and dissatification with my life. Things are not what I hoped they would be. I don't feel prosperious or stable or fertile. I am surprised and dismayed to find how argumentative I am. I feel the tugs of frustration and my spirit feels weakened. I've stopped watching the news, the talking heads only serve to leave me more frightened and fragile. I've fought to not get lazy with writing, tried to foster the passion that, at least, still resides in me. Plagued by an army of doubts, I find myself once again reluctant to expose myself to more disappointment though. I continue to drag my feet, finding reasons to delay making committments and sending submissions out. What is most worriesome is that more and more I find myself wanted to disengage more from the world and the people I know and love.