My road to self-recovery.

I hurt you.. I hurt myself.

I often wonder, and have been a lot lately, if I am fully incapable of having normal relationships. I seem to find myself looking for something bigger and better. I don't think I've ever had a normal relationship. For as long as I can remember, there was never anything normal about any relationship I've ever had. I am constantly hurting someone; today it's my fiance. Been together for six years, and never was there anything normal about our time together. It started off as a fling; we worked together, he was a manager, and I was a bartender. It was kind of on again off again. Three months into our fling, I discovered his drug addiction. For months, I was convinced that I could change him. That turned into years. We had two children and he still battled drugs.

It's been a year since he's been clean and it's like things are falling apart. I think I am punishing him for all those years of hell that he put me through. I don't mean to. But, it always takes first place in my mind.

The first relationship that I can remember that had an impact on me was my first serious boyfriend. We met when I was 15. We were together until a few months before my 18th birthday. He cheated on me, mentally and emotionally abused me, and basically treated me like s***. But, I thought I loved him and convinced myself that he was good and I would stick with him. I put myself through hell with him and in the end, 7 years later, I still have a hate for him.

The relationships between my fiance now, and my ex boyfriend were sketchy. I never held anything serious, and I was constantly bouncing from guy to guy. When I met my fiance, I told myself it wasn't anything serious and it was just something to do. Then, I got pregnant and that all changed. I feed on attention, and I have always been the one to get it, intentionally or not.

I've worked in bars for years, and I've always had different guys hitting on me. I suppose that I loved all the attention. And I would give it right back to them. The more attention they got, the better my tips would be. So long as I never went home with them, I never thought myself as promiscuous, only a business woman. It's a game. And a game that I have completely mastered. Yet, I never thought anything wrong with it.

I can't say that I have been around any normal relationships either. My parents divorced when I was 11. I went to live with my dad because my mom decided that the man she left my dad for was more important, and was on the road a lot for about a year. I got post cards, and phone calls, and presents sent to me. I had taken on the role of mother of the house when they divorced. I had to look after my brother and sister when my dad had to work graveyards and then come home and sleep all day. I watched my dad go through a stage where he would party a lot. He was always looking for a relationship and was always hurt in the end. It was hard to see him go through.

So, I look back today and wonder, if everything I’ve seen and done makes it impossible to have a normal relationship. Why do I always look for something better? My fiance is a great man. He’s a great father, and always finds a way to keep a roof over our heads. He’s been good to me. I love him dearly. But I don’t know if I can love him fully. I don’t even love myself fully. I honestly hate the person I have become. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I’ve been writing lately, in hopes of finding out who I actually am. But in doing that, I feel like I am on a carousel, going around and around, never getting anywhere. Either that, or I am a yo-yo.

My fiance and I are not speaking, and he wants me out of the house today. I have no where to go. Well, I do. I can go stay with my dad and step mom, but I think I am afraid to admit to anyone that I have ruined my family. My children hate me and do not listen to me. I don’t want to admit to myself most of all.

I am really feeling quite lost and not sure what on earth I am to do. But, I know that I need help and not sure where to start. I don’t want to hurt them anymore, but I don’t know how to do anything else but.