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Getting Older Is Scary

    When I was young, I did have one small glimpse of wisdom. I said I didn't want to see into my future because it was probably scary. I was right. I couldn't see what would happen, thankfully, so I held onto hope and dreams of a happy life.
   
    If I had known back then that I would be married to an alcoholic, one with a raging temper, one who would wreck the car and my finances, and humiliate me out in public, I wouldn't have wanted to go on. If I had known that his mother would be one of the most self-centered, meanest women I would ever meet, I wouldn't have believed it. If I had known that I would have heart trouble and surgery, or a subsequent stroke at a relatively early age, I would have said I can't handle it. Of course, when I was a teenager, I thought forty was on the down side of life, anyway.

    If I had known how bad it feels to lose people that you love, I might never have come out of a depression. Thank Heavens, I could not foresee how much suffering my mother would do before she died. I would never have guessed that I would have such a hard time finding long-lasting, meaningful, or rewarding work. I actually thought a college degree would assure me a good-paying job. Even the low level jobs I did end up taking were down-sized, or evaporated when the company was bought out by the competition or just closed forever. One job ended after five years when the owner shot himself. I actually saw him with the bullet hole in his forehead. Now that's something to remember vividly.

    And now, my face is getting wrinkled, and so are my hands and feet. There is no amount of cream or lotion to stop that progress. I have bunions on both feet. My blood pressure has been creeping upward, and for the first time, my cholesterol and triglycerides are a tad high. Gravity is winning the battle, and my skin is losing its elasticity, My hearing isn't what it used to be, and I keep magnifying glasses, as well as reading glasses, all over the house.

    I sound like an old person! And a bitter one at that. But I am neither. First, my mind is almost as sharp as ever. Well, okay, maybe recall takes a few seconds longer. (And I did forget an ultrasound appointment yesterday.) But jeopardy is still my favorite show. I like to think that wisdom is replacing the things I can't remember. Most of my health problems are really the result of a childhood bout of rheumatic fever, not old age. And, I'm normally a very positive, happy, mellow person, not a bitter whiner. My outlook and my faith have actually carried me through all the tough times.

    I read that Christopher Reeves had that positive outlook, and that it helped him cope. Scientific studies have found that this positive outlook may actually be in our genes, and that it helps us heal. Chris had just left UVA hospital, when I was flown in by helicopter for the stroke. I was in the same unit, and had some of the same doctors and nurses. For that reason, I felt a connection and followed his story. He used his positive outlook to draw attention to spinal cord injuries and to help others, even from his wheelchair. My guess is that the positive outlook must be in my genes.

    And I do have a very strong faith. Someone told me that God always prepares us for what we have to face. So I have to believe that along the way, I learned enough or matured enough to handle what came next. I really can count my blessings. I do so frequently and give thanks.

    But I was sitting here today in front of the computer and thinking that if I had seen this body sitting next to mine at 18 or 22 (I'm sure I could have sat inside it), I would have been grossed out and horrified. Any young person would be appalled to feel the difference that would take place in their own skin, or to look in the mirror, or to touch "love handles".  Pure disgust on the young person's part. "No way," they would think. You'd spend your whole life dreading it, or trying to prevent it. So, it's probably good we don't know until it happens.
 
      It would have been nice had a few things turned out differently, but this is the way I played it out, and there are no do-overs. Whatever condition I'm in, I'm glad I'm still alive. And I'm willing to wait and see how the rest turns out.