Can we talk?

Immature young man

  My beautiful, petite, 22 year old, blue-eyed, blond niece has become involved with a man over 30 and has just had his baby. I love my niece and my great niece, but I'm having a real hard time accepting this guy. My dad reminds us the guy is her choice. But there's a baby girl here who amps up our concern.

    The guy is nice looking and seems to be nice enough. In fact he can be very charming. While my brother, father of my niece, supports her and gets along well with the man, my other brothers, sister-in-law, and two uncles have had the same negative reaction to him, almost immediately in some cases. We've met his family and they seem pretty nice--standard solid people, very close to each other. He went up a few points after we all met family members and figured he'd turn out okay because he has a solid background and good examples of parents in his own and in his siblings. Not so, at least not yet.

    He appears to be a mama's boy, not a sissy, just someone who's been overprotected and fussed over by his mother, a little spoiled. He's the baby in the family, so that might be why. He was unemployed for a while, which happens, and is now working as a waiter. He's also a dj for weddings, etc. At those functions, like a wedding I attended, he is charming, he's mister cool, and he relishes the attention. My niece stands by and watches him like a love-struck school girl idolizing a star. Yet, when the baby was born, my niece needed help with bills because she was a full-time student and part-time wait person. My sister-in-law bought groceries and filled up the apartment for when they came home from the hospital.

    They are engaged, but they are in no hurry to get to the altar. They don't understand budgeting yet. I always thought she was good with money once she went to work herself. She curbed her shopping when it was her own money. They were living together by Christmas, and poor, but he managed to buy her an expensive Kate Spade purse. Now no one begrudges them nice things, but that's more money than I take home in a week, when I'm working. And they have more bills than I do and an 18 year commitment to support a child.

    Here's what's actually got me angry. Last Friday was her graduation from the community college. Her grandfather and I, a mere aunt, her great uncle and his wife from another town 70 miles away, her mother, her best friend, and her father made it to the crowded event. No one from her fiance's family was there. The fiance was not there. He couldn't change shifts at work.

    I didn't want to hurt her feelings at the time, so I said nothing when she told me why he was not there. And she seemed to be accepting of his excuse, like maybe she really believed he'd lose his job if he asked off, or that no one else would trade with him. I didn't believe it; it sounded fishy. But my anger has grown since then, and I can't let it drop.

    Someone tell me if my reasoning is wrong. I feel his place was to be there to watch her receive her associate degree. He has to put the mother of his child, his fiancee, ahead of his own interests. He knew in advance and could have requested the change before the schedule was made. He could have gotten down on his knees and begged one of the others, he could have paid them back two lousy shifts for this one. He should have let her see that she was number one for him.

    A mature man who knows his priorities and responsibilities would see the value of his attendance to their relationship. This is not just a high school girl friend or some casual dalliance. This is the woman to whom he has proposed lifelong companionship and support. And it also shows he doesn't really understand her. A college graduation, for any degree, is a really big deal. For her, it's even bigger. It was a struggle for her to get through high school, or the equivalency of one (she set off a fire alarm and got expelled). But she has turned herself around. She has gotten good grades while working, the last year, working and studying while pregnant and delivering a baby! She deserved a celebration. And he missed it, the jerk.

    I want to talk to him. I know that he will become emotional and not listen to me. I don't want to chew him out just to hurt him, or to make myself feel better. I want my niece to have a decent mate, a mature one who cares about her feelings and what's important to her. I want him to grow up and stop being so self-centered. He's not a bad guy, but he's not a good guy. Sure, she's been immature and irresponsible. After all, they both should know how not to have babies before you're ready. But she is growing up, and she's going to leave him behind. I fear that he may be the type who never really matures.

    If it weren't for the baby, I could let him hurt himself. She'd dump him eventually, like most of the relatives have predicted, but the baby is the one who will suffer from parents split apart. So I want him to take a look at himself and see the changes he has to make for the baby's sake. He's already shunning her family gatherings. (Another example of him doing only what he wants and not accommodating her.)

    I should keep my mouth shut, shouldn't I?