Poisoned Purple Pen

Helpless

Yeah, that's how I feel. I had this plan. Go to an Alanon meeting, get as much info as I could, find a way to do an intervention, confront my family member, watch as he finally gets help and gets better.

I got my mother to come with me to the meeting. And we don't realize it's a strictly AA meeting. Until the end. When we are told that the meeting we're looking for is downstairs. Not that there were signs posted anywhere in that church, mind you. But, I know any addiction has a process. And we met some good people. People that gave me hope. I saw strength in that meeting, from people who'd hit rock bottom. They managed to pick themselves up, get help, and find a purpose in life again. I want that for M. But I am fearful it will never happen. He hasn't even realized that I stopped inviting him to my home. Not one birthday party in over a year, not a BBQ, which we have every weekend. It's like I don't exist if I am not handing over money for him to blow. And he's blown a lot. So much so that it boggles my mind, and not a damn thing he has to show for it.

Heartache - yes mine aches tonight. I want that hope. I want to surround him, every family member left and let him know what his actions are doing to us. Let him know that the only way he can come to us is when he's hit rock bottom, when he's ready to fight this thing, and not to come a calling before hand. But, I am not that strong. I know it. If he were to show up tomorrow, I'd let him in. And then I'd be pissed. Not yelling at him, but at hubby and complaining about what an ass I am for not sticking to my guns. This is so hard. Harder than I want it to be, harder than I imagined it to be.

I'm going to go and look for some more hope in the books they provided us. Maybe then I will feel good enough to let it go from my mind for just a little bit.