Down the Rabbit Hole

Alice Peeks

It has been a really long time since I made an entry. It certainly isn't for lack of material...I think it is more to do with being overwhelmed on both physical and emotional levels. With the possibility of the baby's arrival in eight weeks and coming to terms with what that means for me, I have been preoccupied with anxiety, with anticipation and with joy. As the due date draws nearer and nearer, I'm finding that facing my fears and my anxiety will be perhaps my biggest personal battle to date. I don't even like having my teeth cleaned so the prospect of a painful and long delivery has me lying awake a night, wondering about my own limitations and abilities. Last night, our first childbirth class brought on a sudden and alarming case of the cold sweats and I had to excuse myself to take a walk and get some fresh air. I prayed that God could ground me and somehow, I managed to go back inside the room. I didn't faint...that is one thing that I can consider a small victory. I've been reading up on anxiety and childbirth and most all the literature tells you to focus on an image that will take you through the hardest hours, something you can think about. Many women naturally chose to focus on that moment when they first hold their child. For me, I think it will be seeing my husband holding his daughter...and I think I might just live to see the magic and wonder in his face when he does. I also think of Melanie, my daughter's namesake, and know she will be watching over me too. I confessed my fears to her while I was visiting her one day in the hospital and her insistance that, "if I can do it three times, then you will be great", carried so much confidence that she rought me to grateful tears. I think about her so often as the holidays draw near. I think about how difficult this season will be her for parents, her sister and her children. It tears at me in places that are still so soft and sad from her loss.
Speaking of soft places in one's soul, a chance encounter with Seth's sister lifted my spirits and made me marvel at how perfect timing can be sometimes. When I realized that my relationship with Seth had to end, one of the greatest losses for me besides his death which would come less than a year later, was admitting that his sister and I would never get to become family. Melissa is one of the most pure, most sincere and essentially good person I have ever met. Our friendship came naturally and easily the way it sometimes can and the path Seth's short life took, brought us to bends in the road where we bonded even more deeply through dark hours and difficult moments. I remember standing, arms around in other in the hospital parking lot, watching the Lifestar helicopter lift her brother into the sky - both of us feeling the same burst of hope as we stood beaten down by the big craft's rotor wash. I've missed her in this past year when I have known she was hurting from an unexpected divorce. I've felt a fresh anger at Seth for not being here when his sister needed him. The other day, while waiting for take-out, I heard a familiar voice and turned to see Melissa. We rushed to hug when she noticed my belly. Melissa's eyes filled with tears and there was no mistaking the joy on her face. We collected our lunches and spent close to an hour on the sidewalk, catching up. She is finally on an upswing after what I can imagine has been an impossible transition. She wanted to hear all about the baby and my husband and our plans. She was so full of happiness for me. I told her she was a survivor like her Mom and that she would be just fine. I asked after her boys, now 15 and 10...and marveled at how much time had passed. She told me she wanted to come see the baby when she was born. When we finally hugged, she told me simply, "I love you." I like to think of Melissa as my sister-in-law because even though my life with her brother never manifested the way either of us had thought, she is my sister in my heart none-the-less. There is a genuine affection and fondness that still endures and will make me forever wish for her happiness as she does for me.
Sisters are powerful allies. My sister Becky is finally back home after seven years. I enjoy having her close and appreciate being able to just spend time with her after years of timing our visits around holidays and vacations. My sister has been a rock for me and I imagine, she will help carry me through this birth in much the same way. When the chips are down, my sister has my back...unconditionally. I'm taking a lot of joy from watching her life expand here, from her new job where she is proving to be an amazing asset to settling into her own home surrounded by the animals she loves more than anything else.
With the holidays not too far off, I'm looking forward to so much this year...there is so much promise. Even as I sat in that first childbirth class, feeling anxious and on the verge of fainting, my heart registered all the blessings that had been bestowed on me..from the wonderful man sitting aside of me that I get to share my life with, to the baby moving in my womb, to the nearness of family and the beauty of faith.