Can we talk?

Father's Day

    Once again it's Father's Day, another chance to focus on our fathers' shortcomings, be they minor or major. I rush to say I had a good father with only minor flaws. He was hard-working, stable, dedicated to his wife and children, even to his own family and to his wife's parents. He was and is honest and decent and caring and sacrificial. It's easy in the day-o-ay affairs to focus on the minor issues, personality conflicts, over-protective issues, etc. We can all complain about something, and it might sound like we're dissatisfied. I have to say, overall, I was blessed when it came to parents.

    I recognize, however, that being blessed with parents may be more rare than commonplace, especially with fathers. Many people know firsthand about absentee fathers, or alcoholic or abusive fathers. Many fathers assert their position in the family with crankiness, bossiness, or ultimate power. And so their kids grow up hating or resenting them. I know one man who said he reached his 40's before he stopped hating his father, and learned to care about him. I know another family where all the sons hated their father until his death for the way he treated them and their mother. All of them are good fathers themselves.

    Whether you had a good father or a cruel one or none at all, life is what it is. We can't rewrite it. At some point we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and get on with our own lives. Maybe this year is the year you finally need to forgive your father for being a jerk, or cruel, or hateful. It might be very liberating for you to let go of the built-up resentment, the hate, the anger. Maybe he had an excuse, maybe he was just evil. It doesn't matter. Let it go. It wasn't your fault; it was his.

    Of course, to forgive someone, you must first acknowledge that something needs to be forgiven. Whatever the problem, admit that it happened if you haven't already. Maybe he was overly strict or overly protective, maybe he worked too much and spent little time with you, maybe he was cold and not available emotionally, or maybe he was violent and scary. Small or large, the "crime" was done, and now it's over. History can't be rewritten and shouldn't be swept under the rug. Acknowledge that it happened, and then forgive. Forgiveness doesn't require that you pretend it never happened, or that you make yourself vulnerable again. It does require letting go of the burden, of the anger.

    While Father's Day, like Mother's Day, is set aside to honor parents, and increase commercial business in doing so, perhaps it should be a day when we reconcile ourselves to our parents, living or deceased. We can thank parents who we deem deserve honor. We can forgive those who deem unworthy of honor. By doing either, we mature a bit ourselves and claim our lives as our own. We can also use these days to resolve to be good parents ourselves, and to support the other parents we know.