Down the Rabbit Hole

Rust- Colored World

Its Monday again and I awoke in a dark mood. The weekend was a bit difficult and though the battle may be over, I don't feel particularily positive. The world outside is the color of rust and with the passing of Halloween, Fall is giving over to colder and darker days. I drove to work in a fog of sorts, only waking from it to drop Jaden off at school and bask in the brightness of her little smile for a few moments. Returning to my car, I quickly slipped back into the funk, my sea of worries, my ocean of doubts. How do people change? Are we brought to change by events, by the progression of time or just because it is in our nature to constantly change, to reinvent ourselves, to adapt? It is so easy to tell one another "you've changed", it becomes a blanket statement for general discontent. If I had to examine the ways in which I have changed over the years, I would be daunted by the task. It is far easier to point the finger at someone else and say, "oh no, you have changed". The truth is, we all change, we are all in a constant state of change. It is my belief that the longer people stay together, the better they become at hurting each other. Time affords us both the ability to love deeper and also expands our capacity for cruelty. How else can you explain a couple, together for so many years that seem to possess and repel each other at the same time? Why is the passing of time in relationships marked by milestones meant to convey a point at which it may implode; the first year, the seven year inch, the mid-life crisis..and we are expected to survive through to something termed, the golden years? It is all sad if you think about it. We fight, we argue, we threaten. We make up but are worser for the words flung at each other in anger. Little damages. Little heartbreaks. Some days I feel hope oozing out, like dam water through an ever-widening crack in the wall. You can stand with your damp palms pressed desparately against a wall of water, wondering when you'll run out of strength.