Second Helpings

Losing my Head

I've come to the conclusion the human body needs adapting and in particular the option to remove our heads should have top priority.

I always have and always will hate waking up in the morning. Whether it's an innate thing or brought about by life experiences I don't know, but after that split second of emptiness when all the dark thoughts, flashbacks and anxieties kick in, I find it very hard to start functioning. If I had the choice of removing my head as well as my socks and underwear before I retired, waking up wouldn't be anywhere near as traumatic. It would give me time to get used to the idea of facing a new day and an emotionless period of waking up gradually would be very welcome. Neither would I be woken too early by the dawn chorus, the building site or hubby's bathroom noises.

There'd be no need for breakfast or conversation until I decided to put my head back on and I wouldn't have to blow my nose until I was good and ready. Before I decided to wear it, I could wash it, put make up on and straighten my hair without looking in a mirror, a distinct positive these days. Of course, going out without one's head would be socially unacceptable, but if we decided to be a blob at home all day, maybe we could get away with not wearing it at all, unless we specifically wanted to apply it to something. I wouldn't be subjected to hubby's sport on television, Royal weddings, unwanted phone calls, guilty feelings about the mounting dust or worries concerning family.

It could be beneficial to our health too. We wouldn't need to drink, smoke, eat unsuitable food and we'd never have a headache. We'd only need to wear it long enough to eat a healthy salad and drink green tea, then it could be taken off again and we wouldn't sit thinking about the doughnut waiting in the fridge to be eaten. Exercise would be more appealing without the head reminding us how monotonous and boring it can be. What a perfect way to lose weight.

It would be the ideal solution to avoiding nasty smells, grating sounds and not having to listen to people who prattle, nag or criticise. There'd be no need to make conversation for the sake of it or smile when we don't really feel like it. Then at night we could sleep peacefully, with no weird dreams, nightmares or snoring. Bliss. I wouldn't neglect my head if I could take it off, in fact I'd probably appreciate it a lot more as I'd spend less time with it and only use it when I needed it.

I think I'll put in an application to the office of human design and see if they'll patent my idea. It's about time I did something useful with this strange head of mine. Maybe I could go into business and form a rentahead company for those wishing to exchange or borrow heads temporarily. Perhaps there's a niche for selling spare heads on ebay. I just hope they'll give it the heads up.