My Thoughts: when the mood strikes.

Friday, May 20, 2011, 8:46am

Friday, May 20, 2011, 8:46am

         I am writing this down for posterity...  Yeah, right.

         Yesterday, while talking with the lady at the Community Action Program, she gave me an analogy --- my life compared to Moses going before Pharoah.  Each time Moses went before Pharoah, God hardened Pharoah's heart... with the end result in mind that God's glory would be fully and vastly apparent to all, as well as His ultimate authority and power.  Many of the things I have gone through make absolutely no sense when I think about it; it is baffling. 

         While I knew from the get-go that God was holding back on me for some reason..., and that He ultimately had a purpose in mind for allowing this situation to snowball, I have had inner conflict and turmoil as well.  What has really hit me the hardest are the responses and reactions of those who supposedly love me --- my family --- in addition, the fact that I had to take my Unemployment Claim all the way to an appeal hearing and am still unsure whether or not benefits will be approved or denied.  If approved, I will be able to pay some bills and catch up on my rent.  Though a decision has been made, if in my favor, I won't see the fruits until another ten to twenty days...  So, I continue to suffer.  Whether or not I am approved for Food Stamps, rides on my Unemployment Claim --- whether or not it is approved or denied.  So, by the time anyone decides to help me, I will, hopefully, be working again.  It's hard to wrap your mind around all of this.  Where is the help when you really need it? 

         I remember that my help cometh from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth...  and yet He is holding out on me.  I have asked for favor and He could have easily granted it...  He is testing my love for Him, as well as my resolve.  I will come out of this stronger and my trust in Him will be strengthened. 

         I truly believe I am on my way out.  Why?  ... because I now have an inner peace that surpasses my understanding --- a peace that doesn't make sense in the midst of my circumstances.