Mercy! Mercy! That Dang Nabed PERCY!

Happened Yesterday

A True Story

I went to the doctor who treats me for my bladder and kidney stones and he gave me “Old Ned.” He noted that I had gained ten (10) pounds in the last year and exploded.

“How much do you weigh?” he asked, reading his lap-top.

“One-ninety,” I answered, defensively.

“You simply have to do something about that paunch.” You didn’t used to have it.”

I cringed. “Not my fault, my wife’s a good cook.”

“Does she spoon feed you?”

“No….“

“Drink a lot of beer….

“Ahhhh…”

“This is Wisconsin.”

“A six-pack a year.“

“Hmmmm… Do you eat beef, corn, white bread, chips, starchy foods and drink a lot of soda-pop?”

“You’re getting warmer…”

“If you want the last ten years of your life to have some quality you need to lose forty lbs.”

“Forty Pounds,” I exclaimed!

“How much do you think your ancestors weighted a hundred years ago, with your same height and morphology?”

“They were all dead before they reached sixty,” I countered proud of my smart-assed retort.

“They died of farm accidents, appendicitis’s and a host of other things that are treatable today.”

“….now that you mention it.”

“How long did your father live?”

“Ninety-three…”

“Did he lead a disciplined exercise life, follow a nutritional diet and refrain from the abuse of tobacco or other drugs?”

“Not exactly. He smoked, drank, ate a stack of syrupy pancakes for breakfast and chased women.”

“You inherit that "active" life style and propensities for eating?”

“I was more a flake, like my mother.”

“How long did she live?”

“Into her nineties…”

“Your PSA is borderline elevated….See if you can’t get your diet squared away and your bowel to firm up…”

“Thanks Doc.”

“Any more questions….”

“Well I was wondering….“

“What?“

“….. You see a lot of peckers… what was the longest one you ever saw?”

“Over seven inches…. A black guy in Chicago…."

“Fancy that.”

“See you next year, Bob.”