Down the Rabbit Hole

What her eyes tell me.

This morning I drove the thirty minutes to Jaden's daycare in the usual way. I pointed out mundane things as we pass them like trees and trucks in hopes of keeping her morning motion sickness at bay. The ipod pumped in tunes from her personal playlist and she bounced along in her car seat to the Wiggles and toddler techno. When we arrived at the school and I helped her out of the car, she wrapped her arms around her turtle backpack and reached up for my hand. It wasn't until we reached the doorway to her classroom that she started to waffle. Inside the room, the kids rushed to greet her. In response, she wrapped her arms around my legs and hid her face. Uh oh..I thought, it is one of those mornings... I had been half expecting it after working from home with her the day before. She had been with me all day, even dragging in her pink princess chair into the dining room so she could sit next to me while I worked at the table.
Jaden looked up at me with those expressive eyes of hers. They said "Mommy, don't leave me here..." as loudly as if the words had passed through her lips. The guilt hit me in my gut like a sucker punch. It didn't help knowing that five minutes after I left, she would be playing happily with her friends or cuddling with her teacher. I dropped down to her level and pulled her into me. I waited with a sinking heart for the sobbing to begin but she simply clung to me and pressed her head against my chest. I reminded her how much fun she always had and told her I would be back to pick her up in a few hours. I rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. Miss Amy stepped in for a hug. As she lifted Jaden into her arms, I saw a flicker of resignation in my daughter's eyes. I stood waving goodbye from the door but she wouldn't look, she had already dismissed me. The teacher mouthed, "she'll be fine" and gave me a sympathetic smile. Jaden hadn't cried this morning, but I did, just as soon as I got out the door and in my car. I know she will be fine. In fact, she had done remarkably well adapting to daycare. She's been in the program now since she was about seven weeks old. Jaden's teachers report that she is a kind, affectionate and sweet girl who showers her teachers and classmates with tender attention. She shares well, uses good manners and shows a healthy interest in children of all ages. I know she spend her days in a safe and caring environment every day and is surrounded by teachers and administrators that work to help her develop to her full potential. I know all this and still, when Jaden turns those expectant baby blues on me, I crumble inside. I want her to know that as hard as it may feel to have me leave her, it is a thousand times harder for me. I drive to work with an ache in my heart. I forge through the day, clock-watching and waiting until the time when I get to leave and go pick her up. I want her to know that the joy I see in her eyes when I walk through the door, is only a smaller measure of the elation in my heart. I want her to know that the very best part of every day is seeing her and knowing I get to take her home with me.