The Truth About Santa Clause

THE WHOLE STORY.

Hi my name is Fred Rice, I know you all love it when you and your children get a toy from Santa Clause every year and you may think that Santa Clause is a saint but he isn’t. Santa is a Greedy, Racist, Misogynistic, and liar. I am about to expose the truth about this Robber Barron to you.
When I flew into North Pole International Airport; Santa’s Limo driver who drove me to Santa’s mansion, which was in the most affluent neighborhood in the North Pole because it was on the beach and twenty minutes from downtown, met me up. Santa’s mansion had 26 sports cars, 5 private jets, 2 yachts, 16 luxury cars, three limos, two tennis courts, 3224243423234545453 mistresses (Santa likes his hoe, hoe, hoes), 4 swimming pools shaped like your mother, a movie theater, a fitness room which he has for decoration, and his kitchen consists of every fast food company. He also has 200 half a million dollar red suits, which were designed by Burberry. I asked where the nearest hotel and Santa advised me to stay at his place, which I did until the next day.
I was escorted to one of Santa’s factories, which was in the five points elf neighborhood of the North Pole. While being driven to the factory, I noticed child elves on the streets begging for food and elf hookers coming up to the car but I drove away from the elf hookers because I didn’t have STDs. When I arrived at the factory I noticed that a bunch elves were protesting outside the factory for better working conditions which didn’t make any effect because unions were illegal in these factories and any employee seen trying to start one, would be shot. As soon as I entered the factory I noticed that the Factory was a sweatshop. I noticed all of the Elves were wearing rags, which must have been impossible to endure with the cold weather, sitting around and using dangerous machines to make toys at a mass production rate. I had noticed now the women and children were entering the factory and that was because as opposed to the men who worked 20 hours a day, the women and children only had to work eight, but there pay was only a penny a week instead of two pennies a week like the men worked. I couldn’t notice them because there were hundreds of elves cramped into one tiny room. One of the elves told me about an incident where elves were locked in a factory a few years ago and one of the toys set on fire causing the factory to burn down and killing all of the elves. As the elf was telling me that story, a came out of a sign saying “you better watch out” used a laser to blow up the elf who revealed the truth about the factory to me. I thought it couldn’t get any worse but I was told that this was the best the conditions would get and it was only for caucasion elves; the elves who were black, brown, or some other dark color were discriminated against. I then went to look at the settlements that surrounded the factory and I noticed the slum dwellings that the elves had built for themselves were so decayed that most elves chose to live on the streets instead of having to pay the high rent and share it with 16 other families for the small apartment space.
I was about to leave the North Pole in despair but I decided to check out the living conditions for the reindeer. I went to the stables where the reindeer were kept along with Santa’s Slay, which was made by Bentley. I met eight reindeer named Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph. Thousands of Reindeer are born every year but so few survive the Spartan training that is inflicted on them in order to get them into the shape needed to deliver presents to every child in the world one night; most didn’t survive. Rudolph had become physically weak because of a tumor in his nose, which Santa refused to get cured because the tumor provided a lume for the dark night.
While I was on my way back to the airport, some elf slipped me some information I read about bribes in which Santa Clause has taken. Santa Clause is Jewish but the catholic church had bribed him only to give presents to christen children. Santa had agreed to go to shopping malls for a discount mainly because he would look at the children to see if they were appealing and rich and those who were appealing and rich would get more toys than those who weren’t(those who wouldn’t go to the mall would not get anything because Santa assumed they were not appealing; that is why children in third world countries never get toys. The Soviet Union had bribed Santa to give everyone the exact same thing in their stockings. During the 1920s everyone got more toys for Christmas but then when Santa had manage to use business techniques to eliminate Jack Frost as his competitor which later resulted in Santa blowing his brains out with a shotgun, their was less competition so Santa dominated the entire market.
When I returned to the USA I decided to start a club called OTSSFDCPBHIC, in other words “Organization to stop Santa from Delivering Present Because He Is Corrupt”. I have many ideas for what we should do this Christmas. We should find him at the Macys day parade where he is being driven through the streets o New York and hide in the book depository and shoot him. If that doesn’t work than we will grab an RPG and blow him down. I encourage all parents who bake cookies for Santa to put cynide in them. If all this fails then we shall nuke the north pole.