SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

Naivete

I wrote in my notebook today:

Epiphany: I'm never going to be naive again, and I miss that.
I felt more alive when I was vulnerable than the tired old skeptic I've become. Sticking with tried and true without the romance of taking a chance on something new doesn't mean you're wise but unwilling.
Note to self: Take a risk today.

Jaded is one word that comes to mind. Usually, when I see something unfolding, I'm already playing out the endgame in my mind. Apparently, I think I know everything about everything and I'm the prognosticator, the predictor of the future. In a world full of pundits (news and sports and around the table where you clutch coffee) people are know-it-alls. What do we know? History.

History for me is from personal experience, but only what I'm willing to take on. Because I take so few risks, calculated risks, I seldom get to peer into the maw of something so great it might consume me. I don't walk on high wires between tall buildings. I'm pretty sure I'm crossing wires laid on the ground. See what I can do? See what I know about?

Now, I do take risks when it comes to my limited vision. Stupidly. Like, driving at times or places when/where I shouldn't. Rollling around on the floor with the kids without my glasses on when I know I could take an unexpected blow to the head. Or, maybe, trying to read something in small print in a dimly lit office. (When am I going to start using those bifocals the doctor gave me/when am I going to figure out where I put them)

Putting my words out there. That's a risk. I'm afraid I can't write the novel. I make excuses because I don't know where I'm going with a story. I struggle with character development. Well, it's going to take time, research, organization. I might have to actually sit down and write an outline. Of course, the tried and true, when am I going to find time? I need some sort of writing routine. Nanowrimo actually forces you to realize the process with writing x-number of words a day and I don't even do that.

I could commit to writing like I do my daily trips to the gym. I could sit here and talk about all the trials of jogging up and down a basketball court with guys half my age and younger who can actually see what they're doing while I flail about trying to look like I know what I'm doing. But basketball is what I know and it is what makes me feel good about myself when I do play.

Writing is the cruel mistress among other cliches. We write because we love the game, but we seldom get to win. And, if we do, it's a little ditty of a poem that got an awardicon here. I can proudly show off the little gems, put them all together in a collection and publish on Amazon, but it doesn't make me an accomplished writer. It reveals that I am not a risk taker. I didn't even commit my poetry to print...not even on demand. I just tell everyone I did it because my wife kept bugging me. But I'm on kindle direct publishing every day checking to see if I sold another copy. No, that's not success. That's not how you succeed. You win when you give it you best effort in the midst of the most horrible disaster and walk away from it unscathed and a little wiser.

I can sip on some brew and reread my failed efforts down the road and perhaps find a bit of myself. I might learn what I was thinking, or what my shortcomings were. I might find new inspiration, or new direction, that might lead me to some new goal. I might look back at this blog entry one day and think, 'okay, that was good. Let's take it a step further now.' Or, 'I can't do any more with this. Time to move on to something new.'

Life is like Flip Wilson's 33 different flavors of ice cream: chocolate and vanilla. I can find another ice cream vendor and more flavors. Stop. See that's a bad metaphor, because I guarantee no one who reads this blog has experienced the comedian the way I did growing up. But it is about understanding that even while we cannot relate to everyone, we can relate our thoughts to ourself to get a deeper appreciation of where one is as a writer. And, if you should happen to connect with someone else who reads this open diary to the world and they get what you are saying, that's topping for your frozen dairy treat.

So, experience something new and exciting. Take a chance on yourself. Learn from it and hopefully grow from it. And, maybe you meet someone else who might have even more insight and wisdom to help you transcend from where you are.

Transcend. That's the word. Ascension into a new dimension. Now we're writing....

Okay, now I'm done.

For now.

Signed,
Some guy who thinks he's really smart right now....shhhh, don't wake him.

Thank you emoticons for saying/showing what I'm too lazy to express in words.

Stop!