Down the Rabbit Hole

Losing Ground

Some days life hands you the opportunity to take a good look at the person in the mirror. Some days you end up not liking the person you see there, sometimes you are simply left wondering where she's gone - that person you used to be. The face you expected to see, the smile, the bright eyes, the hope - replaced by fatigue, frustration and disillusion. How do people keep from changing? How do people accept that everything changes? My daughter changes every day, blossoms by the hour. Why do I feel as if I am wilting just as quickly? How will I encourage her to believe in magic and wonder when I know there are no such things, or that these things are at best fleeting promises to entice and engage us only briefly? Life is hard, a challenge that some days, I fail at miserably and often, so often now that it drains me.

The last entry I even bothered to make was over a month ago. Have I really had nothing inspire me since then? That can't be true. Jaden inspires me countless times in a single day. Writing has obviously also made it onto the list of things I fail to do, or do well, anymore.

I think I must be a fatalist at heart. How can I keep from passing that onto my child? I want her to experience a world full of hope and possibility and not be jaded by my own experiences and perceptions.