Wondering about my Wanderings

Journey to find a peaceful place

September 25, 2013

I was upstairs in our house dreaming when I woke up with one of those aha moments. My mom was in the dream and there was an element of knowing that I did something wrong. The main thought in the dream was knowing that I have done something wrong what can I do to make up for it. There is the need to prove to myself and the other/mom that I really mean I am sorry. As I wake up from the dream I realize for the first time the reason that I desired to be a preacher. I wanted to feel forgiven and wanted others to enter that journey with me. With that in mind It is much clearer to me why I become Mr. goody too shoes when I know I have been found out. A recent example is getting in trouble with a workmate for watching movies during work. The emphasis was on the fact we were caught on camera watching a movie. Since that moment I have entered my religious mind set. I hear the dirty words, I do not like the music, I do not like the idea that people are getting away with something (whatever it is) and the whole aura of wondering how stable my job is. All of a sudden I am in a cess pool of shame and doubt with that someone could fish me out. Before I was very accepting and in a spiritual sense wanted everyone to feel accepted. At the point of feeling guilty, I feel the need to justify myself and my way of doing things. Needless to say I am not at peace.

It is curious that others might be in a similar place except they use sports, shopping, television and who knows what else to escape. I wonder what would happen if we were able to be vulnerable and determine together to sort the difference between accepting (maybe overly) that which is foreign to my own cultural upbringing as opposed to a lot more critical and clear in boundaries that call others to fight for what is right. I am found out. The scripture says in so many places repent and be forgiven. I now understand more clearly the reason why. It is too easy to become so worked up into being so spirtual/holy that without knowing it I say no one else stands a chance!!! I start upstairs dreaming and descend off that perch to a place that we can break bread and enjoy each others presence.