Destiny's End

The Bottom Falls Out

         The next few days seemed more like a dream than reality to Sabastian. While Janie worked, Sabastian unpacked and settled in. Most of the time they were together, and they made the most of it. They filled their days with talking, going around town and window shopping, planning their future, and enjoying life.
         The evenings were filled with passion, often snuggling and cuddling after dinner. Sabastian was eager and Janie was an animal, together they shared fantasies and tried anything that sounded fun. Janie seemed to be so worldly and Sabastian was the willing pupil eager to learn and please. For Sabastian, it was a dream; Janie fulfilled every expectation he ever had.
         As a new week began, Sabastian was eager to find some kind of job. He wanted to start looking and sign up at the employment office, but Janie wanted him to wait. "There will be plenty of time for work, Baby. Let's just enjoy the time we have together now. I like enjoying your company over breakfast, and I love coming home to your eager kisses."
         "I know, I like it too, Janie. But, I don't have much money set aside and need to get something coming in. The lease is due and needs to be signed and paid by the fifteenth, and I want to help pay for things as well as keep setting some aside for our big day."
         "Do you always have to be so practical? I know that your right, Baby, but I'm just enjoying you so much and once you start working, it will all change, I just know it will."
         "It might change a little, but it will be good change, Janie. How about I wait until Wednesday, which gives us a couple of more days to enjoy?"
         "All right, Wednesday it is. Thank you, Baby. I'll get a paper on the way home, and we can look over the help wanted section together. I have to meet with the lawyers on Wednesday after work, so you can give me a ride and then I'll get my own ride home when I'm done."
         They enjoyed the next couple of days, and on Wednesday Sabastian filled out some applications and signed up at the employment agency. He had quit, so he didn't qualify for any unemployment insurance, but he was pretty sure he would get a job quickly.
         It was midafternoon by the time he got back home. He was tired, and Janie would be late getting home today, so he decided to stretch out on the sofa and talk a little nap. All the fun and excitement had him kind of run down. Well, that and staying up late every night making love with Janie. He fell right to sleep and didn't wake up until it was getting dark out. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then looked around.
         "Janie?" he called out. It was getting dark in the apartment, and there were no lights on. Jane must not have come home yet. He got up and turned on a couple of lights, dug in the pantry for something to eat, and started some soup heating. While the soup warmed, he made up some tuna salad and set the table. He had just gotten the table set when Janie came in.
         "Hi, you're awful late getting home. How did it go today?"
         "It went pretty good. There is so much to work out and divide up it's just crazy. I would have been home sooner, but stopped for some dinner, I thought you would have eaten already."
         "I fell asleep and just woke up a a few minutes ago, or I probably would have. Did you get things settled?"
         "Yes and no. We didn't get it all settled yet, but we have everything listed and who will get what. There's just a few little things to decide, like selling the house or one buying the other out, stuff like that. Of course, Henry isn't very willing to settle it up right off, he wants to talk about it over with me tomorrow. I'll meet with him and have my lawyer with, just in case he tries to back out."
         The soup was starting to simmer, and Sabastian had his sandwich made. "Do you want anything, Janie?"
         "No, I'm just tired, I think I'll take a bath while you eat then go to bed."
         Sabastian ate in silence while Jane took a bath. After he finished eating he cleaned up after himself, then settled in on the couch, in their normal places, and waited for Janie. She took another fifteen minutes before she emerged wrapped in a towel. Sabastian made room for her on the couch next to him. "Sit and I'll rub your shoulders for a while."
         Janie smiled, "That's sweet, Sabastian, but I think I'll take a rain-check on that. I'm beat and think I'll just go to bed."
         She stooped down and kissed him on the forehead. "Don't be too long, ok?"
         "I'll be in shortly."
         Janie vanished into the bedroom, while Sabastian pondered this new turn of events. "She's probably just tired out, like I was. Besides, she just had an afternoon of lawyers and splitting everything, it was probably very difficult for her."
         He got up, went to the bathroom and freshened up, then turned off the lights and went to join Janie in the bedroom. She had left her lamp on for him, but she was sound asleep. Sabastian tucked her in, turned the lamp off, and went back out into the living room to watch a little television. After his nap, he wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon.
         He woke up, still on the couch, his neck was stiff and his arm had fallen asleep from him leaning on it. The television station was off the air and just static flashing on the screen illuminated the room. He got up, turned it off, and went in and snuggled up to Janie. He was hoping she would wake up and they could enjoy a little snuggling at least, but she didn't move at all.
         The next morning she didn't get up until almost noon. Sabastian had gotten up around nine and waited to eat. He could have eaten some breakfast, but he opted to wait for Janie. By the time she got up, he was wishing he hadn't. She was in a very grumpy mood, and no matter what Sabastian said or did, it was wrong.
         He kept to himself, not wanting to upset her anymore than she already was. He turned on the television and sat down to look through the TV Guide in the paper. "Are you looking through the want ads?"
         "No, just looking to see what's on this afternoon." He answered without looking up.
         "Don't you think maybe you should be looking for a job instead? What did you find out yesterday, you never did tell me?"
         He put the paper down and told her about the places he had applied, he also told her he had registered at the employment office, and was hoping to hear something gin the next few days.
         Janie nodded, "That would be good. You need something to do instead of loafing around here all day. I have to go back and meet with Henry over the divorce again. I don't know how long it will take today, but I hope to be home for dinner. Can you fix us something nice, I want to enjoy a nice dinner and have a down and serious talk with you?"
         "Yeah, I can make something nice. What kind of talk? Are you upset with me or something?"
         "No, Sabastian, it's not you, it's us and it's everything. I just want to talk to you about what direction we're heading and what's next."
         Sabastian was puzzled, since they had already had this talk, but assumed it was more about the divorce and the dividing up of property. He knew that Henry was a pretty well off guy and was trying to not give much to Janie. "She's stressed over everything, and I suppose unsure about the future. She's used to having a guy who could provide everything without doing anything and I suppose giving it all up is scary." He told himself.
         Sabastian put a chicken in the oven and roasted it up. He watched it close, basted it, and had it nice and brown by the time Janie got home. "Perfect timing, the bird is just getting done and everything else will be ready shortly."
         "It smells wonderful, Sabastian. You too good to me. Do I have time to shower before we eat? I want to be at my best for you tonight."
         "Sure, you go shower and I'll set the table and get things ready."
         She vanished into the bathroom and Sabastian set the table. He was glad she was in a better mood than last night, and soon he had candles burning, music playing, and dinner on the table, waiting.
         Janie showed up in the doorway of the bedroom with a very pretty dress on. "Can you zip me up? I haven't worn this in a long time, I'm kind of surprised it still fits. What do you think?" Janie twirled and the dressed flared out showing off her sexy legs.
         "Beautiful, very beautiful." Sabastian answered.
         They enjoyed a nice dinner, and Janie explained how the day had gone. The lawyers had modified the terms a bit, and Henry had agreed to the terms, but added one of his own. He had mentioned it yesterday, but until they had the rest worked out, she thought it best not to mention it.
         After they ate they cleaned up the kitchen and went to the living room. Janie was quiet for a long time, then stood and took Sabastian by the hand. "Come make love to me. Please, let's not talk anymore right now. Just make love to me."
         Sabastian let her lead him to the bed, and soon he had her out of the dress and was kissing and caressing her shoulders and neck. She stopped him long enough to undress him, then they resumed kissing and caressing each other. There was no hurry tonight and they took their time making love to each other.
         After, they lie there in each other's arms. "Sabastian, can we finish talking in the morning? I just want to stay here in your arms and sleep while you hold me."
         "Sure, we can do that." Sabastian wasn't sure what was going on, this was not like the Janie he had known. She seemed so sad and mellow, so unlike the person he had gotten to know. He supposed it was this divorce. "Of course she's going to be sad over it, a part of her life is just about over."
         Sabastian understood this, and in the morning she told him this same thing. She seemed even more depressed when she got up. She moped around a little and then told him that she knew she hadn't been herself lately. "It's all this stuff going on and trying to decide what's right and what's wrong. I don't know if you can understand, Sabastian, but Henry and I had a good life together for a while. I just needed a change, I needed to see that I could get along without him, that I was still the same person I had been before we married."
         "Soon it will all be the way it should be, and everything will be in its rightful place again. There is so much I need to say, but I don't know how. I know you will understand, that I don't have to explain it. Your wonderful, Sabastian."
         He held her, seeing tears form in her eyes. "I think you're wonderful, too. I don't understand everything that's happening, and I really want to be here for you, Janie. I know some things we just have to do on our own, but maybe just knowing I believe in you, and I love you will help you through this."
         "Oh, it does help, but it also makes it more difficult. I never thought this would get so hard, but I know what I have to do, and I'll do it."
         They held each other for a few minutes then Janie pulled away. She looked up at him with a smile. "I better let you get ready or you're going to be late."
         "Late?"
         "Did you forget? You have to meet with the counselor at the college. Remember, you set up an interview to talk to her about taking some classes towards your bachelor's degree?"
         "Is that today? Crap, I did forget. I was going to have everything ready, my transcripts and and grades. I can't believe I forgot." He kissed her and as he turned away he said, "See what you do to me. I'm so into you I forgot everything else."
         Had he not turned just then, he would have seen the tears welling up in her eyes, and by the time he kissed her again, she had them back under control, and a smile on her face. "Good luck, Sabastian, I know it will all work out for you."
         "I know. It always does, right." he hustled out the door and jumped in his Jeepster. As he drove to the collage something haunted his thoughts. Something was out of place, he just didn't have time to think about it right now.
         The interview included a tour of the school, introductions to different people, and a lot of talk that went on for hours. He spent most of the afternoon at the college and in the end there were only a couple of classes he could take that would count towards his bachelor degree, and neither of them really appealed to him.
         As he left he heard those words again. "It will all work out."
         Janie had said that to him as he left, but those were not her words, those were Lanae's. Now that he thought about it, there were other things that had come from Lanae, too. He pulled over and got out by a small park and sat in the afternoon sun, thinking. He felt a kind of dread and didn't want to go home. He couldn't explain it, but something was wrong.
         He had thought often of Lanae after he returned from camping, and with time managed to bury those thoughts. Even then, they would surface from time to time. Mostly, though, they haunted his sleep. He often woke from vivid dreams of her, making love in the water, on the shore, and he had even dreamed that Lanae had shown up at the apartment and they made love on the couch while Janie was gone.
         He knew Janie wasn't acting herself, and now he wondered if maybe he wasn't quite himself, either. He had done a good job of containing his thoughts of Lanae, she had become more of his fantasy, in a way. How come he had not realized this until now? Maybe he had, and that thought made him feel sick.
         He had fallen in love with Lanae, and when they parted ways, his heart was ripped apart. He had understood, he even agreed with the reasons why they couldn't go on, but that didn't help how he felt. Now he was beginning to understand why he had been so eager to get back together with Janie, to try and heal his broken heart. He hadn't even considered them doing more than dating and having casual sex until after that damn camping trip. "You been using her to get over Lanae. No wonder she's acting different, she's a woman, she can sense these things."
         He got up and walked back to the Jeep. He knew it was too late to change anything, and he really didn't have any desire to. He just needed to face the facts that what happened with Lanae was over and done. There was no more. But, what he had started here with Janie was real and he needed to focus on making this right and making this work. He knew when he got home he was going to have to sit down and explain to Janie everything that happened on that camping trip, and how he had been clinging to a memory. He was sure she'd be pissed at him, but he also knew she was forgiving and would be willing to move forward again.
         He was soon home, and called out for her as he came through the door; he wanted to get this over with. "Janie?"
         There was no answer, and things did not look right. Pictures and knick-knacks were gone, the place was barren. He went to the bathroom and looked in, all her stuff was gone. His heart pounding he opened the bedroom door with trembling hands. The bed was made, but everything of Janie's was gone. He flung open the closet and her side was bare. Turning, he spied an envelope tucked into the mirror, he pulled it free and shuffled out to the kitchen and slouched onto a chair.
         He dreaded to open the envelope, and just sat and looked at it for a long time. Finally he tore it open and removed the letter from within. There were spots, where her tears had landed on the paper. He knew as soon as he seen them, she was crying. He unfolded it and began reading his first Dear John letter.
         Sabastian, I am sorry. I know this is not what we had dreamed of, but it's what I have to do. I know you tried, and I did too, but there are just some things that can't be explained. Know that I do truly love you. You are a wonderful person, a wonderful lover, and will always be my friend. But, what we shared is not what I thought it would be.
         First of all is the age difference. I know you don't care, but I do. I see you as a young man full of life and dreams, but they are so different from those of a middle aged woman. What I desire and what you need are two different worlds, Sabastian.
         Secondly, I have been having some doubts about everything. I love my husband, but the difference in our age made me long for more. Sharing so much with you has helped me to understand things from his perspective, and I feel now that I may have been wrong to leave him. I also know now, that what I can return to you is also wrong.
         In trying to divide up property, Henry was more than fair, he will grant me half of everything, I can have the house, and all the property pertaining to it, but there is one condition, he wants to get back together and try to make it work. One year is all he has asked me for, and he has agreed to work with a counselor to make things better for us. I agreed, one year and if it isn't what I want, I can walk out with everything we discussed. But, his hopes are that over the year, we can set aside our problems and find a way to make our marriage work.
         I know this hurts, and I'm sorry. But it's what I have to do; I have to try. I hope you can understand. I never meant for it to work out this way, honest. I do love you and care deeply about you. I want you to have the best life has to offer; I want you to be happy.
         That brings me to the end of this letter, and the final thing I need to say. I have not mentioned it before, I guess I was afraid. Even so, I know, Sabastian, that you found love. Ever since you have returned from your camping trip, you have been a different person. I knew right away something had changed you, and there was no going back. I longed for you to talk to me about it, to confide in me, to trust me. At the same time, I dreaded the time you would tell me, because I knew I would lose you.
         Only, now I know I never really had you. Yes, we shared a wonderful time together, and you gave it your best, Sabastian, I know you did. And you were, are, wonderful. But someone else holds your heart, and your love belongs to her. Lanae!
         Yes, I know her name, even if I do not know her. She must be something, you speak her name in your dreams, and even sometimes in the heat of passion you cry out to her. I see you lost in thought, off someplace I can never accompany you, and I wonder, is she with you there? I can't say anything, I do understand to some degree. Whatever you two shared was special, and why it ended I don't know. In a way I have felt guilty about this, because it drove us together, but at the same time, since I do care for you, I feel your pain and your loss. She holds your heart, Sabastian and she always will.
         My wish for you is for you to find Lanae, and share with her what we thought we could have for us. We had our time, and for that I will always be thankful, but you belong with her, and I know that in the end, it will work out. Did she tell you that? You have said that since you returned from camping, and I assume you heard it from her.
I believe in fate, or perhaps destiny is a better word. I don't know for sure what my path is, but I know I have to try and make it work. I also know that it's not your destiny to spend the rest of your life with me. If it was meant to be, things would have shaped differently for both of us. I can only believe that destiny holds a place for both of you in the future someplace.
Sabastian, I plead, don't be filled with anger at me. I know I deserve it, and worse, but don't let anger and hatred destroy the beauty that lies within you. I know I did this wrong, I took the cowards way out and left you with a mess. If you can, please forgive me.
With love always,
         Janie
For the first time in a lot of years, Sabastian broke down and cried. He cried until there was nothing left inside, and then he cried some more. Darkness fell outside the apartment, yet he made no move to get up and turn on a light. In the darkness he sat and cried. Sometime in the dark of night, he fell asleep. He slept a troubled sleep, dreams haunted his sleep, not nightmares, just dreams, but they were filled with craziness.
In his dream he was married to Janie, they had just left the church and a crowd of people were there cheering for them and throwing rice. Outside on the step of a grand cathedral he kissed his bride and then, she threw the bouquet. Out of the crowed Lanae stepped forward and caught the flowers. She pointed the flowers at them and screamed out, "You belong to me!"
Lanae now held the flowers high, but they were covered in blight and rot, she threw them to the ground and reached into her blouse, pulling out a beating heart. "This is yours, Sabastian. You gave it to me, and I will not share it with her."
Sabastian felt himself pulled forward, and soon he was there, in front of Lanae. She was crying and the tears were blood. She held his heart out to him, and then crushed it in her hand. "This is what you did to me, and this is what you give your bride, a broken heart."
Lanae threw his crushed heart down in front of him and vanished back into the crowed. He wanted to chase her, to grab her and never let her go, but when he reached into the mass of people he pulled Janie out.
She was crying and pulling against him. "If you want her, let me go, but if you want me, then take me right here and show the world you love me."
He couldn't though. He tried, he ripped her wedding dress off, he tore at his own cloths and stood naked before a mass of people, in front of the church, and watched as Janie, lay down on the grass and reached for him. He walked a step closer, then another, and then he fell to the ground and cried out for Lanae.
Sabastian opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. He was on the floor, next to the couch. The room was gray, dim light streaming in through the window. His elbow hurt, and the coffee table was tipped on its side. He had fallen asleep on the couch and must have fallen off. He got up, but it took a few minutes for the dream to clear from his head.
He set the table up and seen the letter from Janie on the floor. He stooped and picked it up. He held it to his chest and felt the tears start again. "Oh Janie, I'm sorry. I wish I could just hold you and tell you I'm sorry. I should have told you right away about Lanae. I know it wouldn't change anything, but I just wish I had told you everything."
He took a breath and looked around. "Now what? Where do I turn from here?"

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