SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

In The Bubble

Sometimes, I feel I have the courage to break out of this self-imposed bubble. My heart fills with the Grinch's new found strength. I'm seeking the ending to a beautiful fairytale before I realize I imposed my own fiction on reality. I'm the villain and I put myself in that flimsy prison, because I fear that I will fail again on the outside, acting on impulses rather than the meditations that taught me how to seek relief.

I'm captured between these two worlds -- one that is foreign to me and vexes me with my failed attempts to settle into those loving, accepting arms, and the dim bubble where I sit alone with my thoughts, where no one can teach me how to rise above the conflict I struggle with each day, and night.

I know there are those like me who say I can't save you because I can't even save myself; and the rest who don't know what it is to be exiled to an emptiness full of unrealized visions because there is no hand to guide me out.

I have found empathy here. That has salved the wounds long enough for me to crawl back in the bubble to try to dream some more. But the visions fade with time, another vexing element that limits the hours I have to share with someone who'll listen and hopefully lift me up on shoulder with the acknowledgement the struggle for acceptance is no more.

I feel selfish saying this when others ail more than me, but this is inside of me. I can get closer to know other pain, but I have a great ability for empathy and desire to save others. It hurts even more when my offerings of assistance fall short or are rebuffed as some invasion of privacy.

I don't post missives like this in my notebook any more because I do not wish to make a public spectacle of my pain. The blog is my open journal. There are many posts that have not seen the light of day, because I need to write to remind myself. Ditties like this are just an attempt to get an amen or maybe find that one who will acknowledge what I wrestle with and knows just the remedy for a brain addled by life's chaotic maze of rejecting fire.

There is a poem that will enlighten the last metaphor... When I find time to link.

Here it is..."Black Walls"  [E]