SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

How To Feel

I'm processing a lot of thoughts and cannot find the words tonight for how I should feel. I guess if everyone assumes a position of indifference, there would be such uninspired participation, if any at all, at this site. So when I hear a call to action, there is a part of me that is always willing to help out.

Sometimes, I feel like such a sucker. I have enough on my own plate and I want to launch when someone is in distress. My wife is constantly questioning my motivations.

"They need someone.." And then it goes on from there. You sometimes find you're standing in the middle of nowhere and someone is yelling at you to get out of the field.

You try to lend a hand here or there and get handcuffed while people breaking rules all around you are ignored. And then when you finally offer up your humble offerings you get a 'that's not what we're looking for' and look up to see if the writing on the wall has changed again.

This is all obtuse. Some might know what I mean. The more I think people want me to shut up and go away, the more trouble I'm tempted to make. I guess I should just pity their ignorance or their intentions that I cannot fathom.

Dammit, why don't I come out and say it. Don't care to be ostracized again, or just don't care?

It feels good when you can contribute and do something that could be more positively defining as a member, instead of them mucking it up and taking away all the fun their could be. My head is spinning again...

I don't want to believe I've wasted my time as a member of this community. I want to believe their is more in me that people don't get to see because they haven't met the person.

Been like a yo-yo these past seven plus years. Wish I could decide...spinning...guess I'm going to lose before I start. I feel sorry for every hopeful newbie who becomes disenchanted because they will eventually not be newbies anymore.