Perpetual Ruminations

Thursday

I'm getting in here much earlier today, but still not as early as I should have. One day, I will get this handicap overcome and, I know, be more productive. For now, I'll take what I can and enjoy it the best I can. I'm enjoying my last day off this week, I had three. Of course they raced by faster than the neighbors trash carried by the gusting north wind. Seriously, their trash is always blowing over here, and it's often when the wind is gusting and blowing hard.

Just as with their trash blowing into my yard, I would like to see the rapid passing of my days off come to an end. But, I know this is very unlikely, in both cases. One I can do something about, but it doesn't seem to do any good, the other is beyond my control, and falls under a form of relativity; enjoyable time will pass rapidly while unpleasant time will drag by slowly. So, if I enjoy my time off, it will pass rapidly, and if I'm miserable it will pass slowly. I chose to enjoy it and must therefor accept it's fast passing.

Even so, there are some things I can do to make better use of this rapidly vanishing time. One is to be more organized. This alone would provide me much better use of the time as it passes, and I would accomplish more if the most desired activities and waste less time on undesirable activities. Also, I could get my butt up and out of bed sooner. This would provide more time and more opportunity. As it is now, I get up around three or three thirty for work, except Sundays when I get up around five or five thirty. On my days off, I like to sleep in and often do not get up until ten or later, wasting the entire morning.

Of course, I also tend to get to bed late -- all the time. I have a real difficult time going to bed at night, I always have. this results in me getting way to little sleep and running myself down through my work week. Therefore, when I get a day off, I sleep in to catch up. Only, being so run down, I don't just catch up with a full night's rest, I oversleep and end up feeling groggy and out of it for at least the first hour or two. Why then, you wonder. Because I know I'm in serious need of sleep, and I also know if I go too long without getting enough, I'll get sick. So it's a wicked cycle I have created and become addicted by habit to.

Even knowing this is not enough to break the cycle. Why? Because I have been doing this for so long, it has become almost as natural as breathing. There was a time when this was not the case. As a boy my brother, little stinker that he was, liked to stay out late, sneak out, and do things in the dark of the night. Me, I didn't want to, I preferred to go to bed when it got dark, sleep the night and be up with the sun. But, being my older brother, I went along even when I didn't really desire to, just to be with my big brother. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. Of course, even if I didn't want to and tried to stay in bed and sleep, he would pressure me and not give in until I agreed.

Then, after I had grown older and moved out, it was similar with friends. Only now it was staying out to party and have fun. Not all the time, but often enough. I still did well at getting up early for school, but on weekends, I began to sleep in a bit later. Then, after school, I kind of got my routine back to normal, except on a few occasions when I would go out. I was married, had a child on the way, and had a good job. I worked mostly Monday through Friday, eight to five. I enjoyed the work, enjoyed being able to get up for work without need of an alarm, and even was up at six on the weekends. Well, except once in a while when I had been out drinking late the night before. Even then, however, I was up by eight.

Then I enlisted in the service of my country and was soon up at five to the bugle and going through basic training. After basic, it was off to tech school and this was the beginning of my demise. As a new student, we had our classes at night. From midnight to seven I had to study and listen in class, then come back to the dorms and sleep while my roommates went to class. They were just past halfway through and went to class from eight in the morning to three in the afternoon. So, I would get done and back about the time they were leaving, sleep until they returned, then do homework, and hang out with my buddies.

Soon, they had graduated and moved on, I was now halfway through and attending class in the mornings. I had moved my young family to the base, was living in an apartment off base, and getting home around four or five after class and drills. My wife of the time was good at sleeping in and staying up pretty late, and our one son had also adjusted to her routine. So, I would get up early, go to the base and they would sleep in. I would get home, eat supper, then spend time with my family until eleven or twelve, then after they went to bed, I would dive into my homework and studies.

Next, it was off to a regular base for regular duties. By this time, I had begun to adjust to my late nights and getting few hours of sleep. At first, my duties started early, around seven and if I had continued, perhaps I would have returned to my natural routine of going to bed with the sun and getting up early. But I ended up injured, and on special duty for a year while I healed. Since I couldn't do much, I was not very useful during the day. Instead, they had me assigned to mediocre tasks in the afternoons. I would go in around five, work till midnight, then return home and spend a little time relaxing before going to bed. I would still get up around nine and things worked out pretty well. Once I healed, I had transferred to a new division and since I had more training and experience than a lot of the new personnel, I was assigned to the swing shift. I worked from four in the afternoon, until our duties were complete.

I had to be in by three for inspections and drills, then worked until eleven or later. Often we would be done and home by midnight, but there were also plenty of nights it was closer to three or four when I got home. I still got up at nine each morning, unless I had the day off, then I would sleep in till ten. I also had friends now, and we would party and have fun on our days off, often until the early morning hours. I began to reset my internal clock to be up late at night, even all night, and then sleep for three or four hours and do it all over again. Of course, on days off, this meant I was in dire need of sleep and I would sleep in late, often getting up around noon.

Exit the service and back to regular jobs most of the time. But, I had reset that clock over the years of service, and even though I was now often up at six or even five, I still had great difficulty in getting to bed before midnight. Like I had mentioned, all my life going to bed was hard, I always wanted to stay up and enjoy life. But when I was younger, everyone else went to bed around dark and there wasn't much to do except my brother of course. He slept in till noon every chance he could, I was up with the sun. The ability was there, it just needed to be brought out and developed.

Over the years, there have been jobs that required me to work afternoons and even late into the night, and from the time of my leaving the service, these were always more comfortable than working in the morning. I had no trouble working late, but it was now difficult for me to get up early. Of course, I still continued to be up late most every night, and I continued to go on few hours of sleep, catching up on days off. Then, I landed a good paying job, but it was working twelve hour shifts. It was difficult to adjust to, but I was doing fine, starting at seven in the morning and getting done at seven at night. I still ended up going to bed kind of late and needing to sleep in on my days off, but I was beginning to get a routine going. My previous job had me working days, afternoons, evenings and even nights as needed, so there was no routine or set hours for me.

Then, I was placed on nights. I worked seven at night till seven in the morning. I worked with my brother and we got along great, the work was busy enough to make the night pass quickly, and most of the time we got to go home right at seven. But, some days we had meetings and had to stick around until eight or even nine, go home and sleep, then return by seven that night. No problem, I was accustom to doing just this. I would get home, eat a light snack and visit with my wife. I had a new and improved wife now, the kids all grown and things were nice.

I would get up around three or four in the afternoon, visit with her for a little bit, then off to work. Of course I seldom got to bed in the mornings until ten or later, and again, I ran on about four or five hours of sleep, catching up on my days off. One week was three days off, the next four, but I would sleep most of the first day away. The problem was, she was used to sleeping at night and worked days or afternoons. So, she would be ready for bed, and I was ready for work. I was just not used to sleeping at night, and would end up staying up until two or three in the morning. Then, I would finally be able to go to bed and sleep, and of course, not get up until noon or so.

Eventually I ended up working solo. Not for any other reason than the company really wasn't good to work for and they could not keep workers. Being short on help meant we just did not have anyone to work and often pulled extra days, and worked short handed. On nights this meant we didn't have two people on, just one. I worked opposite my brother now, and with only one person, there was no time for breaks or anything. For twelve hours a night I was on my feet, running and working straight through. There was no breaks, no lunch, and stopping by for a shot of coffee or a quick bite here and there was about it. Of course, our job was set this way, but with two or three people, there was time for one to break while the others worked. Now, that was not possible. It didn't take long for me to be fully burned out and completely exhausted.

About this same time I had children living at home again. Grown now, and even more work than when they were younger. They also did not provide any help but just made more work for both my wife and I, and I found myself often woke up sooner than I should have, or not getting to bed when I should. It was difficult enough for me to try and sleep during the day, but with more noise and things going on, it became all but impossible. I went for long stretches with very little sleep, until eventually I became sick.

I didn't know what I was sick with, but I was just always sick. I was in for tests and sometimes it seemed like one thing, then another. I also became depressed and started having frequent panic attacks. I eventually came close to having a full breakdown, and instead of going to work one night, I told my wife I needed to go to the hospital. I just could not go to work, I was having a panic attack, I was confused and unable to determine what day it was, and just could not see through a fog that had settled around me. All I wanted to do was run off and hide someplace.

She had seen how little sleep I was getting, she knew I was having a difficult time, and she knew I was close to breaking down, so she took me to the hospital, they ran some tests and asked some questions, both of her and of me, but not together. The next thing I know, I'm in the hospital, on the psych ward and working with some doctors and psychiatrists. I was put on some medications to make me sleep, I was getting some rest and I was talking about the things that were driving me insane -- my job. The bottom line was just no sleep, to much to do, to much pressure at home with children and their problems, and I needed a break.

I was home in two weeks, things changed with the kids and with work. I could not work nights, by my doctors orders, and I was beginning to get back to my old self. But, kids don't always think about more than self and soon the stress was back. I was taking medication to sleep at night, so I was at least getting enough sleep, but very troubled sleep most of the time. Work was still the biggest problem, since the day shift was much busier than nights, and there were only two of us, compared to four when I started. Add to that the second person was new, and I was training them while trying to do the rest of the job as well.

It was starting all over, and I knew it was just a matter of time before it got to be too much. Being on my feet so much was beginning to cause me problems. Part of the job was checking tankers, so it was up and down the ladders on the side of the trucks for twelve hours. Inside the bay there were steps, steep and slippery from liquids, so even then it was still up and down all day. My knees were giving me trouble, my ankles were always sore, and I would wake with terrible cramps even under the medications. Then, the person I was training decided they had enough and told me they were going to quit. I would be working alone again, and I talked to my boss. He said he couldn't do anything right then, because he was taking vacation, but he was sure the company would have someone hired within a few days to a week.

Of course, he never did much to help anyway, but any help is better than none. Now, I was looking at none, he would be gone for two weeks, and the new guy would not be in the next day. I was feeling a panic attack coming on, needed to get away, and then my wife came in. She had found out a position was opening where she worked, and I was likely to get the job. Under the panic and stress, I went to talk to my boss again. This time to tell him I was quitting. I had informed him I was going to quit at least two or three times, but he always asked me to wait until he got another person hired and trained. They never lasted that long. So, I told him I was done, went and changed cloths and left. I went in to talk to the person about my new job the next day, but they had called my previous employer and been told that I had not given any notice, just up and quit in the middle of the day. I didn't get the job.

Over the next few years I did some odd jobs, and self employed work, but nothing that helped me get back to working during the day and sleeping at night. In fact, if anything, I became more and more set in sleeping in and being up late at night. Then I landed a job as a security guard and found myself again working my old shift at night. I would go in around six and get done around ten thirty, come home and be up until midnight, or later, then sleep in the next morning. My wife was working a changing shift, some mornings, some afternoons, and some evenings. She put in to work the same hours, or as close to them as possible, and I soon became fixed on this routine.

Now, she works for me, and I work the morning shift, she the afternoon. We have the evening together, and when things work right, the same days off. But, my morning shift requires me to be up at three in the morning. She gets up with me, but usually goes back to bed since I tend to keep her up until I get to bed. I've been trying to break the old cycle and adjust to my new schedule, but it's been a very difficult task. Currently I'm doing good to be in bed by ten, and get my five hours of sleep. I get home but now, for some reason, I can't function like I used to on the short nights, and find myself in need of a nap. But, old habits die hard, and when bedtime comes, I'm just getting going.

I did attempt to stop the naps, but it doesn't make any difference except I'm just more tired the next day. I'm still up too late, and just try and function with less sleep. I'm not throwing the towel in yet, I'll keep trying to adjust to this schedule and learn to get up early and get to bed early. But, with summer closing in, it's going to get more and more difficult to sleep early. If there was just some easy way to reprogram my internal clock, to set it back to where it was in my childhood. I would love to go to bed earlier and be up with the sun on my days off, then adjust it back a few hours for the days I work. I could handle going to bed by eight and up at three. That's seven hours of sleep, more than I usually get and more than enough for me to function on. Just need to learn how to adjust that damn clock -- and people say modern electronics are difficult to set~