Wondering about my Wanderings

The Secret

It seems like only yesterday. I was in my twenties and was in a really awful way. I was too scared to live and too scared to die. I had been called of God to be a minister and to have this kind of depression stripped away every ounce of thinking that I could ever be a minister. I wondered if God could spare me or even cared to. Many in the church treated me like I was lost in need of salvation. They would say that I needed to be born again. My own pastor used me as an illustration in a sermon.

Mom was crushed. It was more pain than she could bear to see her son suffering so much. We were looking at skiers going down slopes that day. She got me in a private place and told me she would give up cigarettes if I could stop feeling suicidal, throwing her cigarettes in a nearby trash can. Then she decided I needed to know.....

"Gary you need to know......your dad and I had you out of wedlock. Even in that very depressed moment I heard it. It felt like a cry in the wilderness. It honest to God made absolutely no sense. Girls in my school were doing this kind of thing all the time.
It did not cure the depression but it sure made me think. Finally I knew why I forever felt like it was all my fault. I knew why I was always trying to keep the family together. Right or wrong I felt like I was the blame for every thing that went wrong.

I was a long way from healed. There was a family member who happened to be a pastor that helped me. He could of lowered the boom and said I was going to hell for my belief (being suicidal as I was). Instead he told me that I was not alone. He had gone through the same thing when he was first starting out in ministry. He felt like he had to save the world. If it had not been for his wife Lydia he would have never gotten through it.

It was a light in the darkness moment. That Easter I had a vision from God. I saw Jesus on the cross and knew that Jesus knew and understood all that I was going through. Soon after that my depression abated. The doctor could not figure it out. The only thing I knew for sure was that God was there. In some ways mom's secret died with her. I still do not know why she had to tell me. I would ask her about it and she would only say all you need to know son is that you were loved. Now that she has gone to be with the Lord that is what I have. It just hurts to know that my birth may have caused mom pain for one reason or another. Since that time my only solace is knowing that the truth sets us free.