Wondering about my Wanderings

The Push to Give Life

I find myself in a philosophical mood after reading "Under the Stars" by John Green. I think all of us are here for a reason and maybe part of the missing part of the equation is to discover what that reason is. It explains to some degree what brought me to Kansas City from Massachusetts. I had been severely mentally ill and to be honest I left "home" wondering if it could happen again. I kept hearing the scripts that I experienced when hospitalized over and over again. I could never be sure whether I was understanding to go forward or understanding to go back. Maybe it was a little bit of both. The part of Green's book that hooked was the idea of being a bomb ready to go off at any moment and any attempt at intimacy was doomed to fail.

For whatever reason I let the bomb go into remission and risked getting into relationships, knowing full well if they really knew who I was or where I came from they would have nothing to do with me. After all I was having trouble explaining the way my life was scripted. How did I know I might implode leaving everyone to clean up the mess. I excelled at college and did well in seminary. I struggled as a pastor until I found my niche at an inner city church only to see everything get blown up in the end. I lost my marriage and was implicated for causing the church mess. My ex said no doubt out of stress, that she had to convince my kids that I was not a bad person for destroying her organization. She was housed in the church and when the church went goodbye so did her dream to help kids in the inner city.

I was labeled crazy by the person who I tried to prove my sanity to. It was very humbling. I was remarried with the thought maybe there is a such thing as second chances. It has not been easy. I have second guessed myself. I was accused of not dispensing medicines properly and that lead to someone getting so sick that they were in the emergency room. I took the accusation to heart, even though I was sure I did not do it. It did not matter they did. My ex said to go on disability and give up work, lest I destroy another life and my mother was no less sympathetic. I sought a second opinion and was told of my tendency to blame myself for everything.
Since that time I have worked on rebuilding my life. I wanted to get my life back more than worrying about my craziness potential.

I have been working and as I have alluded to I remarried and life is going on. The push to give me life is pushing me to give life. Mom is dead and has been for four months, but her spirit lives and breathes pushing me to give life as it was given to me!!