Witness to Withness

Getting High

How high should I go if I only had wings
Wings made of wax as up and up I fly
So close the sun higher and higher
Hoping my wings do not catch on fire on fire

It is one thing to dream and quite another to watch yourself be thrust into a waking dream wondering if you were going to wake up or even wanted to. When I took medicine like Nyquil for colds, I can recall being in a similar state. It was for a time like I was in an eternal land/world of having permission to be silly.

Summer Dream
         That summer something arose deep within me that changed my whole life and perspective. I experienced what I called at the time a "peak experience". I felt closer to God than I had at any time of my life. The best way to describe the sensation is that I was lucidly aware and connected to all that God created. It was a strange time, because I was of the opinion that no one could even fathom what I knew deep within myself. When I shared I felt like it was on God’s own voice speaking through me and as I moved I felt God was moving with me. I could even say in a testimonial at church thanks for the bugs and mean it. I could consider issues like infinity and eternity in a new light. I wanted to be everybody’s friend and nobody’s enemy. God was speaking to me in a through the scripture in a surreal way. I was a fool for Christ’s sake and for the first time I really knew what this meant, being moved to tears.
         It was during this time that I wondered if I needed to go back to college. It was as if I found what I had been looking for and wanted to share with others what that something was. I did get back into my college world. I continued to be in this light and wonderful sensation of being so close to God that I could touch God. As I recall so much of this was introspective in consideration, since no one would believe what I said otherwise (sentiments I had known earlier in life). I took this way of being into everything I did for better or worse. I played tennis for example in the sense that I could hit a tennis ball just by hearing it bounce. All my senses were heightened and I felt somehow transcendent in the way I could see in ways that others could not.
         The best way to understand this ongoing chapter of my life is to consider what it would be like to find some magic pill/drink that could magically transform you into the person you always dreamed you could be. I was warned about drugs and alcohol from an early age. This high that I experienced took place without drugs. Kind of neat huh! There were people that were sure that I had to be addicted to cocaine. There was no other explanation for my behavior.
The high that I talk of here was about three months long. And yes there were times I could fly and yes I thought I could mysteriously change what sex I was at will and be a super athlete that no one could beat and channel my understanding of the bible into a message people could not help wanting to here. And that is just the tip of the iceberg about what went on. My roommate thought it was the least bit strange when I cut myself with a knife in his presence and said I could make it heal.
         I guess that is the only way to help people understand the world that I came out of. I was in a dream instead of having one. Music was a magic carpet ride and yes there were times I thought if I wanted to I could fly. All this took place because my biochemistry opened me up to the eternal possibility of getting high and staying there. The only problem….

What goes up must come down

         This was never supposed to happen. I was convinced that I must have done something wrong to displease God. So I did strange things in hopes that I could get the high. You might say that I was in the process of getting addicted to my own high. I used paper to write formulas about how I could find the missing link, the solution to the problem of feeling so down in the dumps. I convinced myself that the high could come back and well I kind of succeeded.
         I went to church the day before my high came back and roamed the streets. I heard magical songs that I whistled to in hopes that love/the high might come my way again. And wouldn’t you know it I went church that day and got up in front of everyone after I came to the altar (I figured if anyone could help the high come back it would be God.) And I prayed like I never had before. I heard people say that they were amazed.
         I got back to my notebook, in which I was writing all manner of magic formulas. It was me and another woman I had picked out were the solution to the world’s ills. I considered that I finally understood how everyone was related. I roamed the campus looking for the woman I had dated only once. I called her on the phone leaving a message and told everyone of my quest to find her. It became only more bizarre after that. I mixed up food and drinks in the cafeteria. I mixed up the books in the college library as if I knew where they really would go. I raced into the science building manipulating test tubes and such and climbed up on the roof. That was where all my highness was about to get grounded. After all what comes up must come down. Adults with not so happy looks came and got me. They were worried about me. After considerable talking I was put in a van and transported to Glenside (a nice mental health place in appearance). I screamed and yelled all manner of obscenities while I was in that van. My venom was directed to all persons (professors, gym teachers, counselors) who I saw as the sources of my problems. I was caught in a new world of thinking I had all the answers and for a time there was no way of getting out.