My Newbie is Showing...Part 3

52ifbc: Behind the Door

** Image ID #2048595 Unavailable **

“Come, my child, the secrets of the universe await you.”
Yet she still hesitated. What was a universe? What was await? Why was this voice speaking to her? So many more questions.
“Why?”
The response from the distance was a door slowly taking form.
“Wow! That’s so cool!” The little girl thought she would like the color red.
The door slowly coalesced to meet her desire.
“Will it be dark on the other side?” She wondered aloud.
A brilliant light broke through the cracks on all sides of the double red doors.
As she advanced closer, she wondered how late it was. It would be dark soon and she would lose her way. Slowly, a lantern appeared to assist with lighting.
She took one look back and thought she heard her mother and father calling her. A moment’s hesitancy and she was off to the see what was behind the door. It was so pretty on the other side. And then it was over.
She awoke to her mother crying and yelling “Lisa! Come back! Please, come back!”
“Mommy, don’t cry. I saw Jesus.”
“Oh, honey, don’t do that to me again. Please.”
“K. Daddy, Grandma said I was just like you.”
“My mom?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Come here, Kitten. You know grandma died in a car crash last year?”
“Uh-huh. Daddy! That’s too tight.”
“Sorry, honey. Did grandma say anything else.”
Lisa shook her as she nestled into her father’s shoulder as he carried her home to be cleaned up. The water in the creek was cold and muddy. She was just happy they did not yell at her for getting her pretty dress all messed up.


[Serious question: This story is missing something, but I can't figure out what. I read an article about vivid particularity, but the penny has not dropped on what that means. If you have any wisdom on how to punch this up, I would appreciate an example or two. Just telling me what I already know without an example of it is kind of pointless and leaves me sitting in this same hole without a ladder.]