Witness to Withness

Sign Posts out of Fog's way

Help me find the way:
Along the way are markings
Can I trust the constant mockings?
Outside the message is give up and die.
On the inside is the sign that says give up why?


         There are lots of reasons to give up when everything on the outside seems to say give up hope. I believe part of the drive is knowing that life is not over and until it is a person continues to fight and breathe. This is part of the reason that I decided to continue to get up and move out into the world whether I looked and felt like a zombie or not. More than anything I felt like I was a puppet. I had no will of my own. When a person is in this kind of a fog, there are infinite caution signs. I am fearful that I will slip and who amongst my many doubts will pick me up?

         I will emphasize that from January to Eastertime I had no sense that there was ever going to be an end to the depression. It was like a fire inside that was burning away any reason to want to continue on life's journey. I was out in the middle of nowhere and it appeared in those days like no one had been in this place and therefore no one could show me the way out. I recently watched a movie by the name of "Unbroken", I could relate strongly to the scene in the movie when three of the main characters are in the middle of the ocean wondering whether they would ever see land. Then when they think that they have hope they are captured by the Japanese and become prisoners of war. There was definitely a war being waged and I for one saw no end to the battle.

         In introducing this whole idea of various signposts I want to emphasize that all these things are floating around in a kind of oblivion. They are not seen at the time as signs that I am on my way out of the depression. They are just there and at the time I wonder if it is just another nail being pounded into my already wounded mental anguish. When taken in this context the signs will make sense and even the people who seem to spring up out of nowhere have their own roles to play. I believe in my heart of hearts that this is a drama that needed to be played out. I do not know if I can ever completely know why. The only thing I know from the perspective of the lion deep within is that I stay alive to spite all those who said for these kind of persons (the chronically depressed) there is no hope of salvation. Even to this day I take on the label clinically depressed and have been asked by a clinical psychologist whether someone depressed can minister. I have decided that there is much more to me than the depression that enslaved me. Therefore my fingers dance even as I have seen doors to minister as pastor or chaplain slammed shut in my face. I write so that others might have hope, that they might believe Jesus is the Christ and have life through that name. Thus, I go forth trusting that if for no other reason the words are written to witness to what God can do to reconnect someone to life that had wondered if connection even existed. Thus Witness to "withness": how it can even happen. I guess the gist of the argument is that if I can find my way out of the fog so can others. If not in this life, than in the life to come!!!!