Personal Journal

Another 2 years

I'm pretty fond of my signatures right now...

I was going to write this to Dr. D, but the fact of the matter is that I need to write it for me.

This is my "vision for life" for tomorrow. It's only for tomorrow. I want to send it to her because it is in therapy that I am most honest about my failings, and I often feel it is to her whom I feel compelled to be accountable. But she's not my sponsor; she's my therapist.
What I told her today in therapy is true: when it comes to a vision of my future, I'm only able to look at what I'd like tomorrow to look like (because I'm a marijuana addict and an agoraphobic virtual shut-in).
I talk a lot about wanting to smoke less marijuana, and that's true. I just don't practice what I say, and the question reduces to a simple yes/no: do you want to smoke less pot TOMORROW/NOW? The answer is yes.
And so, I simply need to visualize that in fact this is what I am seeking. I'm trying to let go of this compulsion to be high all the time.

So tomorrow, my goal is to conduct myself in accordance with my current daily routine.

What I want for tomorrow is to wake up, have coffee and breakfast, and then to ride.
And when I finish with my ride, I want to skip the pot, and simply hop straight into the shower and get cleaned up for a day that I aim to be productive.

I want to write, as I am doing now.
I want to open Catcher in the Rye and enjoy chapter 1, and I visualize myself taking notes.
I want to attach myself gently to the idea that sobriety for the day is important, at least until I get home from my trip to the airport. If I make it that far, I think I can be quite pleased with the way the imagination meets the practice and discipline.

These are not "must" imperatives.
These are my visions of an ideal tomorrow.

I love my coffee.
I enjoy my home-made granola and whole milk as fuel for my ride.
Fall rides are amazing.
I look forward to shipping off all of my e-bay sales and having earned the money I've been given for the sales. I am obligated to them, and am happy to live up to their trust in me.
Afterward, maybe I'll have a nap, and or read (reading often leads to naps).
And then L and I are planning on an early dinner, after which I'll drive her to the airport, and drive home enjoying the Colorado rockies sunset.
And if, when I get home, I feel like smoking, then I'll smoke some. I have more than enough to get through till Thursday.

And I'm envisioning my Thursday as also being sober until I return from X-Wing at EG.

These are my immaginings on a day that will leave me happy with my life and with my ability to move toward a goal.
Amen, or whatever.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn